Hello

It's actually going to let me do this?

For the past few months, I have been trying and failing to get onto this site due to the fact that an error has come up every time I've tried to access my blogs.

I guess this is a welcome back post!

Meditation at St. James

I don’t like going to church because I hate the fact that there is so much corruption in the institution.

However, I love going inside churches and using them as a holy space to meditate and connect with God, the Universe, and myself without people telling me how I need to think and act. 

Today, around midday, I went to a church that I used to go to as a little kid. It’s been like… years and years since I’ve gone. It hasn’t really changed much, but it was definitely bigger than I remembered. 

It was a typical monday afternoon at a church. There were two people in the office, and a small dog that roamed around, that were too wrapped up in their conversation to notice me walk past them into the lobby. To my right were three sets of tall double doors that lead into the main room of worship. Stealing myself, I tested one of the doors to see if they were locked.

They weren’t.

Stealing myself again, I pulled the door open just far enough to get through and stepped over the threshold.  

The room was shaded and quiet due to the stained glass windows muting the sunlight. Weaving through the seats, I breathed in the smell that churches usually have- remnants of frankincense and myrrh- and felt my headache fade away. There was definitely a presence there. Like the feeling of something big in the room that expands and shifts to accommodate the environment around it. Thicker than smoke, thinner than water. 

I suppose the best way to describe it is energy. Just this big feeling of positive, peaceful energy. Something that inspired reverence and respect. It isn’t something that you can ignore, especially when you’re alone in a place you probably shouldn’t be, but something that you can feel at ease in. 

Anyways,

after admiring the work put into the building, something like a shadow of the great cathedrals in Europe, I found my way to a small room off to the side and sidled in. 

This room was darker than the main one, with it’s own pretty window at the far end. The wooden chairs with red cushioned seats formed neat little rows all the way down to an area where a podium sat. 

I took the seat closest to the door and let myself drift. 

Actually, I think I nodded off a bit. A lot of the time, due to the fact I was nodding off, I was able to hang in that place where your mind is blank and not able to really think about anything. It actually felt good to be able to do that in a holy place. 

Like seriously, this place was nothing but peaceful. 

The thing I love best about meditating in churches is the fact that you can do so without worrying about negative energies. Due to the fact that the church is literally God’s domain, anything that hasn’t evolved to a higher level of peace/love/holiness, can’t really thrive there. You don’t… well, I feel as if I don’t, have to worry about dragging in more baggage or emotional bs and residue than what is on your mind or heart. It sort of falls off you when you enter a space that is between you and whatever higher power you believe in.

Like layers. You walk into the big room and the world’s bull falls away. You sink into your meditative state and you work your problems out or let them go.

I walked out feeling a lot better than I have in a while. Even though I was still tired, I felt more centered and alert. More peaceful and connected to myself and my higher power.

Which is what this whole thing is about anyway right? 

I wonder how much longer
the candle can pretend to hide
the thunderstorms outside

Thoughts on True Love

Someone once said (on a cheesy psychic hotline website) that true love is disruptive and chaotic. At first I was offended. How could anyone think of true love in such a way? Surely this person was so jaded that he couldn’t see the wonder that Disney and all the other famous love stories have presented. 

Now I understand.

True love takes your emotions and stretches them as far as they can go. It does not allow for mediocre feelings (at least with me). It only allows for one to be either blissfully happy or heartbroken. Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes, one or the other so intense that it consumes us. It can make these emotions go from one to the other in record time.

It does not let go. 

It holds your head under water past the point where you think you’re going to drown. It makes you suffer for all your worth.

And in that suffering, if you survive, you are reborn. 

My view of love has changed immensely since I’ve fallen into it. At this point in time, it is something I only recommend to fools and people who know how to guard their hearts. To people who are strong and wish to become stronger.

Love is like the desert. It loves to test you to your limits. You lose your way, you take one wrong step, and you are finished. 

Precipice

I feel like, and I know I've said this many times before, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a canon. Or like I'm in the middle of the ocean and it's that moment before the wind is about to pick up. Or even, I feel like the breath drawn before the fingers pull the trigger or loose an arrow.

I feel this stirring in my chest and I have a feeling that I'm going to be going through some sort of metamorphosis. I just... I've been feeling stagnant for a really long time and I really feel like something is going to start picking up for me.

No idea what it is, but I just know something is coming.

It's getting to be that time again...

So, with two weeks left and then finals, it is getting to be that time again where I am obsessively creating lists.

Why? Finals week is coming up and I still have so much to do before that! Including: finishing assignments, creating a 10 minute presentation, and preparing for a philosophy final.

Not only that, but I'm not exactly sure what the schedule is for the spring semester and I still need a place to live for that... (Nick, if you're reading this, I'm going to talk it out with the parents tomorrow so please don't worry about it)

I still need to figure out a new schedule for Gymboree if possible and work out spring semesters schedule. Maybe I'll take some time tonight, after finishing up a french paper, and work out all the scheduling.

Either way, it'll all work out.

I've started reading a new book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I actually bought it last year with the intention of reading it, and never got around to it. The first whole part of the book deals with something that I have been struggling with for the past month or so and that is following your dreams. Where, there is nothing stopping someone from doing what they want except themselves and the fear of change that holds them back. Or rather, the fear of sacrifice to go after what one really wants.

Another issue addressed in the first part of the book is balance. Balancing the things that are really important to you and the things that you want to do or see and how important it is to never forget that balance.

It's funny how fate puts things in front of you at the most opportune times.

For now, I'm off to work. Then I'll be burying my mind in the french language before waking up at an ungodly hour to teach some children music.

Love
Elie

It's amazing how mommy's always know what to say to make you feel better.

Last night, me and my own had a very hard conversation and I realized two things.

My mom isn't very good at comforting people. I mean, she isn't the type of person to say "I understand that things are hard right now and it's okay to feel horrible."

She says: "This is the way I see it and now we think of solutions." and the way she sees it is usually a lot more accurate, and sort of harsher than you would think. So I felt like an idiot for a little bit, especially when she pointed out things that could have been done instead of moping, but it feels better to think of solutions with someone who is an objective third party.

I guess in that way, my big epiphany last night, was that my mom is a lot like me when it comes to comforting people. We don't soften or pity the people we're comforting. We tell them like it is and then help them find the pieces they need to put themselves back together.

So now that I'm in the last leg of the semester, I just have to wait a month before putting my master plan into action.

I must say, it's a good feeling to know what to do. I just hate the fact how moody I've been to the people who don't deserve it. So I'm sorry about that.

Hopefully, things will keep looking up.