Thoughts on True Love

Someone once said (on a cheesy psychic hotline website) that true love is disruptive and chaotic. At first I was offended. How could anyone think of true love in such a way? Surely this person was so jaded that he couldn’t see the wonder that Disney and all the other famous love stories have presented. 

Now I understand.

True love takes your emotions and stretches them as far as they can go. It does not allow for mediocre feelings (at least with me). It only allows for one to be either blissfully happy or heartbroken. Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes, one or the other so intense that it consumes us. It can make these emotions go from one to the other in record time.

It does not let go. 

It holds your head under water past the point where you think you’re going to drown. It makes you suffer for all your worth.

And in that suffering, if you survive, you are reborn. 

My view of love has changed immensely since I’ve fallen into it. At this point in time, it is something I only recommend to fools and people who know how to guard their hearts. To people who are strong and wish to become stronger.

Love is like the desert. It loves to test you to your limits. You lose your way, you take one wrong step, and you are finished. 

A small update: Relationship Musings with a Hint of Japan

As I lay here on the bed in the LA hotel room, I am slowly coming to the realization that I will never be able to fully write out what happen in Japan. If you want the stories and the pictures, you'll have to see me in person or contact me in some way.

Here, you're just going to get sentimental crap from someone who was on an airplane for almost 9 hours straight.

I must say, I leave Japan a bit different than when I arrived. When the plane touched down, I was on the verge of a panic attack. I was landing in a country where I hardly knew the language (my knowledge has progressed to roughly 5 words now), and would be living with a boyfriend that I hadn't seen in four months.

Don't know why the latter made me as nervous as it did. I guess I was worried that one, or both, of us had changed or drifted away and that the two weeks would be more of an exercise in frustration than a bonding experience.

Turns out I should listen to my mom and my best friends more often when they say it'll be alright.

Japan is a lovely country. It's beautiful, runs smoothly, the people seem quite pleasant, and there's a lot of stuff to do. Most of our time was spent traveling around Tokyo. Actually, that's where most of my money went too.

However, it wasn't just the country and the sights that gave me such a wonderful time. It was the man I saw them with. In fact, I think the memories I'll cherish most are those of us laying around the hotel room playing Vampire Games, or cuddling and talking about whatever comes into our heads.

It was nice to just be close to each other to the point that we could reach out and touch the other one whenever we wanted to.

I think we grew closer during our time together. Two weeks went by quickly; too fast even.

The reality of it all is that I hate this distance thing. And maybe I'm a bit too sensitive, but I guess he matters that much to me if I'm feeling like this.

I really hope two months goes by really fast. Well, really fast on my end in case he's doing a lot of fun things. I suppose the only thing I can do is keep myself busy and then make time when he comes.

That shouldn't be too hard right?

Well I'm off to write a bit and then head to bed so I can get up early and catch a flight to Detroit.

Love and Peace
Elie

Evening

Well it's Sunday and I've gotten everything done that needs to have been done. Of course, this upcoming week isn't going to be much better, work wise, but at least it'll be stuff I know how to do.

So for tonight, I'll be working on my project and making my room a bit more organized. After my stressful week, I'll be taking my night off. :)

Then, finally, I have less than 18 days until I'm off on a plane to Japan! As usual, I'm really nervous, but I think it'll be alright.

I can't wait to, FINALLY, be together with the boyfriend again. As it gets closer, the antsier I get. I just want to be with him NOW. Not in 18 days.

Then again, I have to get finals and such over.

Ugh.

Alright, I just wanted to update you all. I'm off to complete my day off by the aforementioned plan.

Love and Peace
Elie

It's been a while, but I'm procrastinating homework.

So you get an update!

Hooray!

This post is going to seem a bit scattered because I've only gotten four hours of sleep last night.

I've actually been busy with school and work so there wasn't much to update about besides "Oh I'm off to work and I still have this this and this to do."

On a different note, I'm getting really sick and tired of some of my friends' shit. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to sit back and allow them to treat me like I'm just an acquaintance. If I wanted that, I'd go and hang out with acquaintances.

Today at work, early in the morning, a young woman came into the C-store, looked me in the eye and asked "Is this place open."

I must admit, the look I gave her wasn't the kindest. To my defense, it was about 7:45 in the morning and the only thing that was running through my mind was "If we weren't open would you have been able to walk through the door? If we weren't open, would you be seeing me, standing here behind the counter, dressed as I am (hat, gray campus dining shirt, apron, nametag, black pants, etc.) staring at you? What do you think?"

Not one of my finer moments. I did feel bad about it after I handed her her drink and watched her walk away. After that I was a lot nicer to my customers.

After work,  I wandered home and happily took a shower.

Now I'm sitting in an empty room in Mackinac. It's the perfect place to do hw because there's no one there and no one else is crazy enough to come to school on the weekend, unless they're language students.

After this blog I'll be productive. I promise.

Actually, the real reason I'm writing is because I'm feeling selfish again and writing about it makes me feel a little better. I'm feeling a little lonely because I talked to my beau and I can't stand the thought that I still have three entire months before I get to touch him again. There are so many times in skype where we talk, I just want to reach through the computer screen and touch his face.

This distance thing is really hard you guys. I don't think I've ever done something so constantly exhausting and heart breaking. I feel selfish for a lot of it too. For whispered wishes in the night that he'd come home and for complaining about all this to you.

Sometimes I wish I were stronger so I could get through this without this aching feeling in the pit of my heart. There are moments when I can push it out of the way and forget about it, but it always grows back.

I'm not sure how I can do this. I guess I'll just have to put myself in God's hands.

*sigh* Letting go like that is really hard though.

Anyways, I do need to get to work.

Thanks for listening.
Love and Peace
Elle

Heels

I like to wear heels. They make my butt and legs look really good, and I feel really good in them.

However, I draw a lot of attention to myself as I walk across the cement on campus or down the hallways in the school buildings.

At least I look good so I'm not embarrassing myself when eyes are on me. Though I think I look a bit mean.

On another unrelated note. I really think Neal and I can do this. I think we can do this for the long run, even past Japan and whatever life can throw at us.

I have a lot to do this weekend though including notes and homework for Psych, Ed 315 and 337, and also Science. I might as well throw french in there as well. Good thing there's a library at home.

I'm off to get ready for my final class of the week!

Love and Peace
Elle

Work and Other Thoughts

So, last night, I picked up another work shift for this weekend. The plus side: More money for Japan. The downside: It's another shift on my birthday. So now I'll be working from 7:30 am to 12:00pm, but then from 9:30pm to about 12:30 am.

Then on sunday I'll be working from 4pm-8pm.

I figured a status about working a lot on my birthday wasn't appropriate for facebook. :P

Anyways, today was fairly interesting as far as a normal day goes. I woke up, showered as usual, tried to pick out clothes that matched and looked good together before heading to class.

Waking up at 9 after going to bed around 1am wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was actually able to go dick around on the internet for a little while and check facebook to see if Neal had updated at all.

In case you were wondering, he landed safely in LA and is probably on his flight to Japan right now.

Anyways, I ended up dressing up in an outfit that would be perfect for a very warm Valentine's Day. All red, white, and pink.

I think I ruined the ensemble with black tennis shoes but whatever.

After getting dressed, Tara gave me a card and my birthday present (she is leaving for the weekend and therefore will miss my birthday): a shot glass that she had painted herself! It was so sweet of her that I got all warm and fuzzy.

It wasn't the first time today that I felt blessed in my friends.

So I look at the time and see it's 10:30! Oh man! I'll be late!

I rush and put my shoes on and then skip out the door only to watch as the bus drives away from the bus stop. Shrugging off that misfortune, I realize I now have enough time to french braid my hair, which I do and end up making the next bus with no problems.

Read Harry Potter as the bus rolled around to school and then ran to my classroom where I proceeded to sit for the next 10 minutes.

When the clock struck 11, I glanced around and felt confused. Where was my class?

You might be asking why I ask that particular question.

Well curious reader, I asked it because no one was in my classroom. No one was in my classroom when class was supposed to start.

I looked around the room, and stared at the door in a fashion that, to an outsider, probably looked very confused and bewildered.

I looked in my planner to see if the professor had decided to move the class to a different room.

I looked in my syllabus for a calendar of some sorts.

None of these things gave me the answer I required.

So I packed up my things, stowed my book, and headed out of the room hoping the crowd in the hallway had dispersed into the various surrounding classrooms.

Luckily for me, it did so I didn't have to feel a gazillion eyes on me as I left the empty room.

As I wandered down the hallway, I caught a glimpse of a student in my class peacefully reading a book at one of those tall coffee tables. So I wandered over to him.

"Hey." I said. He looked up at me.

"Hey."

"Uh... so, do we have class today?"

"Yeah...?"

"Oh. Is it in the same place? There's no one in the classroom..."

He looked over my shoulder at the clock on the wall.

"Probably because it's only 11."

I blinked at him dumbfounded for a moment before turning to look at the clock on the well. Indeed it was 11.

Then it hit me like a tidal wave washing over me. I could almost feel this understanding wash over me, starting in my head and then going over my body from there. Class started at 11:30.

"Oh." I responded smartly. He laughed and I sat with him, making small talk while I pulled out Harry Potter.

I was able to get to class on time  which was nice, but had to step out for a moment half way in due to a contact deciding that my eye wasn't worth living in and bailing.

We had a small chat in the bathroom in which I ran the thing under a faucet and stuck it back in my eye.

Class went by uneventfully after that, BUT I did get a text from Blue saying that she was about to take the bus over to my place.

Fear hit me! I had no food to give her and she was coming over for lunch! I thought that she was coming on Friday, but once again, I was mistaken.

Thankfully I was able to get home before she got here and had hot water boiling and ready to be served. I even got to break out my tea set for the first time this school year!

It was really nice to talk to Blue, especially since I haven't seen her in like, forever. Our lunch date of baked potatoes and yogurt ended way too soon.

Now I'm writing to you fine people.

Tonight should keep the ball rolling. I have class from 6-9 to learn about the education system and how to affect students culturally, I think, and then Olde Worlde Music Club. I'm always going to be late to that meeting, but that's fine. I can just bring my drum to class and then bang away afterwards.

I think the reason I've been a little mixed up today is probably a combination of my lack of sleep and then getting back into the swing of things. I think I'm going to be a lot busier than I realize as soon as things start to pick up. Especially after Student Life Night when I find about more about the Archery club and we get some more new people in OWMC.

After working this weekend, next weekend will be a treat. I'll be heading home on friday to pick up contacts, my big kids license, pictures, a domino set, UNO cards, and maybe a board game. The games will be for tea parties that I will be throwing periodically over the semester. So those should be a good time. I'll also be making small desserts and hors d'oeuvres. Should be a good time, even if they're small. I'm only going to be inviting 3 people at a time so the cups can be used and no one is stuck with a mug.

Anyway, I feeling hopeful today and not as fragile as I have been feeling in the past few days. I still think about Neal a lot, but it's getting easier being away from him.  I hope things go all right for him in Japan.

Speaking of Neal in Japan, I'm thinking of making a cutesy stop-motion movie to send to him via USB in a care package. I also am going to send him a message in a bottle along with the USB and a bunch of thingies of ramen noodles (beef flavored because, I've heard, that beef is really expensive there). If you have any other ideas of things to send to him, please let me know.

Alright, I'm going to change out of this skirt probably, maybe clean my room, and contemplate getting a tumbler from Teavana specially made for tea so I can take it to my 6-9 classes and other out of house places. Then I'm off to print out packets of music before class.

Love and Peace
Elle