Not exactly happy...

I'm not exactly happy right now. Part of me feels like the boyfriend doesn't want to put in the work for this relationship. But he doesn't understand when I tell him that because he wants me to tell him specific things to do and I can't. So we're at an impasse there.

Besides, if I tell him what I want him to do, he's going to do that. But then, will he be doing that because he knows it makes me happy and he wants to do it because it makes me happy, or will he be doing it just to placate me? 

I think that's why the letter writing thing bothered me so much. He clearly doesn't like to do it, and now I feel like, whenever he writes me, he's just doing it to pacify me. Not because he wants to make me happy. 

Now, I don't even want to do this letter thing anymore. Not when there isn't anything behind it.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really miss me. I mean, he probably does, but he never tells me, or does anything to show me that. How else am I supposed to know how he's feeling if he doesn't tell me? He can't touch me, which is what I'd prefer, but since we can't do that and since I'm not getting any affirmations from him, I'm feeling a bit lost and lonely. I feel like I'm putting a lot more emotion and heart into this than he is. Or that he doesn't care as much as I do about us.

Maybe I'm nit-picking because of the distance. Part of me feels like he's getting sick of my insecure shit. But, I feel like I'm left in the dark about how he feels about me and how he feels about being separate. I feel like I'm alone in missing him, and because of that, I feel a bit foolish for missing him as much as I do. Why should I miss him as much as I do, when, I feel, as if I've just become a passing thought in his mind. Something he easily pushes away and doesn't care about. 

I'm afraid that if I leave off, or repress my feelings for him so I can live without this constant reminder of him, I'm going fall out of love. That would suck for everyone. 

Also, I have a lot of reservations about going to see him this winter. I mean, what if he's not the person I've been missing all this time. Or vice versa. What if this is just an exercise of frustration? I'm also nervous about going to Comiket. I mean, I'm so completely not in the anime world. Part of me is afraid he'll see just how out of place I am and not like that at all. Or, as he's wrapped in his "promised land," I'll just be shunted to the wayside. 

Maybe I'm over thinking this too much. 

Hopefully, these thoughts will be pushed aside as school picks up for finals or what not. Or better yet, resolved. For the latter, I have to think of exactly what I want to say and how to spell it out so  I don't just give my bad mood to him. Lord knows he has a lot more than I do to deal with. 

Love and Peace,

Elie

It's been a while, but I'm procrastinating homework.

So you get an update!

Hooray!

This post is going to seem a bit scattered because I've only gotten four hours of sleep last night.

I've actually been busy with school and work so there wasn't much to update about besides "Oh I'm off to work and I still have this this and this to do."

On a different note, I'm getting really sick and tired of some of my friends' shit. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to sit back and allow them to treat me like I'm just an acquaintance. If I wanted that, I'd go and hang out with acquaintances.

Today at work, early in the morning, a young woman came into the C-store, looked me in the eye and asked "Is this place open."

I must admit, the look I gave her wasn't the kindest. To my defense, it was about 7:45 in the morning and the only thing that was running through my mind was "If we weren't open would you have been able to walk through the door? If we weren't open, would you be seeing me, standing here behind the counter, dressed as I am (hat, gray campus dining shirt, apron, nametag, black pants, etc.) staring at you? What do you think?"

Not one of my finer moments. I did feel bad about it after I handed her her drink and watched her walk away. After that I was a lot nicer to my customers.

After work,  I wandered home and happily took a shower.

Now I'm sitting in an empty room in Mackinac. It's the perfect place to do hw because there's no one there and no one else is crazy enough to come to school on the weekend, unless they're language students.

After this blog I'll be productive. I promise.

Actually, the real reason I'm writing is because I'm feeling selfish again and writing about it makes me feel a little better. I'm feeling a little lonely because I talked to my beau and I can't stand the thought that I still have three entire months before I get to touch him again. There are so many times in skype where we talk, I just want to reach through the computer screen and touch his face.

This distance thing is really hard you guys. I don't think I've ever done something so constantly exhausting and heart breaking. I feel selfish for a lot of it too. For whispered wishes in the night that he'd come home and for complaining about all this to you.

Sometimes I wish I were stronger so I could get through this without this aching feeling in the pit of my heart. There are moments when I can push it out of the way and forget about it, but it always grows back.

I'm not sure how I can do this. I guess I'll just have to put myself in God's hands.

*sigh* Letting go like that is really hard though.

Anyways, I do need to get to work.

Thanks for listening.
Love and Peace
Elle

Tipsy

Some days, like today, I think I can work this relationship out. Like Neal and I have it all covered and we'll be fine.

But there's always a little bit of doubt in my mind. I mean, a lot of things that Linda has said have come true, but I'm not so sure about the relationship bit. Particularly because she has such strong feelings on how people should conduct their dating and relationship experiences.

But right now, I have really positive feelings about this.

I think God has answered my prayers about him. And while things might be difficult, .ie this long distance stuff, we'll be able to work through it. All of it.

And that makes me happy. Really happy. I've finally found him. :)

I'm off to finish Spartacus and then bed.

Love and Peace
Elle

Heels

I like to wear heels. They make my butt and legs look really good, and I feel really good in them.

However, I draw a lot of attention to myself as I walk across the cement on campus or down the hallways in the school buildings.

At least I look good so I'm not embarrassing myself when eyes are on me. Though I think I look a bit mean.

On another unrelated note. I really think Neal and I can do this. I think we can do this for the long run, even past Japan and whatever life can throw at us.

I have a lot to do this weekend though including notes and homework for Psych, Ed 315 and 337, and also Science. I might as well throw french in there as well. Good thing there's a library at home.

I'm off to get ready for my final class of the week!

Love and Peace
Elle

Work and Other Thoughts

So, last night, I picked up another work shift for this weekend. The plus side: More money for Japan. The downside: It's another shift on my birthday. So now I'll be working from 7:30 am to 12:00pm, but then from 9:30pm to about 12:30 am.

Then on sunday I'll be working from 4pm-8pm.

I figured a status about working a lot on my birthday wasn't appropriate for facebook. :P

Anyways, today was fairly interesting as far as a normal day goes. I woke up, showered as usual, tried to pick out clothes that matched and looked good together before heading to class.

Waking up at 9 after going to bed around 1am wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was actually able to go dick around on the internet for a little while and check facebook to see if Neal had updated at all.

In case you were wondering, he landed safely in LA and is probably on his flight to Japan right now.

Anyways, I ended up dressing up in an outfit that would be perfect for a very warm Valentine's Day. All red, white, and pink.

I think I ruined the ensemble with black tennis shoes but whatever.

After getting dressed, Tara gave me a card and my birthday present (she is leaving for the weekend and therefore will miss my birthday): a shot glass that she had painted herself! It was so sweet of her that I got all warm and fuzzy.

It wasn't the first time today that I felt blessed in my friends.

So I look at the time and see it's 10:30! Oh man! I'll be late!

I rush and put my shoes on and then skip out the door only to watch as the bus drives away from the bus stop. Shrugging off that misfortune, I realize I now have enough time to french braid my hair, which I do and end up making the next bus with no problems.

Read Harry Potter as the bus rolled around to school and then ran to my classroom where I proceeded to sit for the next 10 minutes.

When the clock struck 11, I glanced around and felt confused. Where was my class?

You might be asking why I ask that particular question.

Well curious reader, I asked it because no one was in my classroom. No one was in my classroom when class was supposed to start.

I looked around the room, and stared at the door in a fashion that, to an outsider, probably looked very confused and bewildered.

I looked in my planner to see if the professor had decided to move the class to a different room.

I looked in my syllabus for a calendar of some sorts.

None of these things gave me the answer I required.

So I packed up my things, stowed my book, and headed out of the room hoping the crowd in the hallway had dispersed into the various surrounding classrooms.

Luckily for me, it did so I didn't have to feel a gazillion eyes on me as I left the empty room.

As I wandered down the hallway, I caught a glimpse of a student in my class peacefully reading a book at one of those tall coffee tables. So I wandered over to him.

"Hey." I said. He looked up at me.

"Hey."

"Uh... so, do we have class today?"

"Yeah...?"

"Oh. Is it in the same place? There's no one in the classroom..."

He looked over my shoulder at the clock on the wall.

"Probably because it's only 11."

I blinked at him dumbfounded for a moment before turning to look at the clock on the well. Indeed it was 11.

Then it hit me like a tidal wave washing over me. I could almost feel this understanding wash over me, starting in my head and then going over my body from there. Class started at 11:30.

"Oh." I responded smartly. He laughed and I sat with him, making small talk while I pulled out Harry Potter.

I was able to get to class on time  which was nice, but had to step out for a moment half way in due to a contact deciding that my eye wasn't worth living in and bailing.

We had a small chat in the bathroom in which I ran the thing under a faucet and stuck it back in my eye.

Class went by uneventfully after that, BUT I did get a text from Blue saying that she was about to take the bus over to my place.

Fear hit me! I had no food to give her and she was coming over for lunch! I thought that she was coming on Friday, but once again, I was mistaken.

Thankfully I was able to get home before she got here and had hot water boiling and ready to be served. I even got to break out my tea set for the first time this school year!

It was really nice to talk to Blue, especially since I haven't seen her in like, forever. Our lunch date of baked potatoes and yogurt ended way too soon.

Now I'm writing to you fine people.

Tonight should keep the ball rolling. I have class from 6-9 to learn about the education system and how to affect students culturally, I think, and then Olde Worlde Music Club. I'm always going to be late to that meeting, but that's fine. I can just bring my drum to class and then bang away afterwards.

I think the reason I've been a little mixed up today is probably a combination of my lack of sleep and then getting back into the swing of things. I think I'm going to be a lot busier than I realize as soon as things start to pick up. Especially after Student Life Night when I find about more about the Archery club and we get some more new people in OWMC.

After working this weekend, next weekend will be a treat. I'll be heading home on friday to pick up contacts, my big kids license, pictures, a domino set, UNO cards, and maybe a board game. The games will be for tea parties that I will be throwing periodically over the semester. So those should be a good time. I'll also be making small desserts and hors d'oeuvres. Should be a good time, even if they're small. I'm only going to be inviting 3 people at a time so the cups can be used and no one is stuck with a mug.

Anyway, I feeling hopeful today and not as fragile as I have been feeling in the past few days. I still think about Neal a lot, but it's getting easier being away from him.  I hope things go all right for him in Japan.

Speaking of Neal in Japan, I'm thinking of making a cutesy stop-motion movie to send to him via USB in a care package. I also am going to send him a message in a bottle along with the USB and a bunch of thingies of ramen noodles (beef flavored because, I've heard, that beef is really expensive there). If you have any other ideas of things to send to him, please let me know.

Alright, I'm going to change out of this skirt probably, maybe clean my room, and contemplate getting a tumbler from Teavana specially made for tea so I can take it to my 6-9 classes and other out of house places. Then I'm off to print out packets of music before class.

Love and Peace
Elle

One of the Hardest Things

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do is let go of Neal today.

When it was two o'clock, I watched as he put his shoes on and gathered his wallet and keys before hugging. Except I couldn't let him go.

Every time I told myself I had to let him go, I would hold him tighter.

But, the sooner he goes, the sooner he comes back in my arms. The sooner I can go to him.

It sucks being apart. I feel sort of hollow inside.

A good day!

Today was actually a really great day! Neal spent the night again. We ended up staying up really late talking about world wars I and II. He thinks he talks to much, but I actually enjoyed listening to him. It was a really nice night.

Unfortunately, we stayed up so late that getting up early was really hard. I think I slept in a little, actually. However, we managed to get ourselves moving.

I found I was really sore from playing "baseball" at Neal's house last night. I've never batted before and actually found myself surprisingly okay at it. I was able to hit the ball a bunch of times and accidentally hit their dog with a ball that I had batted. The dog was fine. All of the reactions came from the humans around him. They went from shock, and when the dog didn't even flinch, everyone started laughing. I think some of us were laughing so hard there were tears in our eyes.

Don't worry about the dog, he got me back good.

 After someone finally caught a ball that I batted (that didn't hit a dog), Neal went up to bat. His father pitched to him and he hit a really good ball. It was in my area so I ran to catch it. Well, just as I stopped to catch it, my feet went sliding out from under me.

I caught the ball just before I hit the ground and slid a few feet in the wet grass. After a moment, I realized that I still held the ball. I let out a sigh of relief and relaxed...

WHEN SUDDENLY A GIANT WET NOSE WAS THRUST INTO MY FACE!

The dog had rammed his head into my face trying to get the ball that I still held in my hands.

That's why was I sore. Really.

Anyways, we got up, got cleaned up and I got dressed in my RenFest outfit while Neal just got dressed.

Then we were off to enjoy the day hanging out in Holly.

It was so much fun! We walked around and found the Tortuga Twins who were actually three guys. They ended up calling Neal up on stage to play Robbin Hood. I think it was really good for him, though he was nervous the whole time. He says he can't be charming or is awkward, but when he puts his mind to it, damn. He could have the whole world in his hand.

After that we meandered around through the area, looking into various shops and being really disgustingly cute. I'm not sure if that will ever wear off. I'm such a touchy person you know?

Anyway, we say a lot of shows, including a show about knights with a lot of short jokes and fun sword fighting, a bit of the washing well wenches, ONE STEP FURTHER!, and Ded Bob. Along with all those shows we got soup in a bread bowl and wandered through many shops. We also got lost in the maze they had put up.

It was mostly for little kids, but we were able to find a couple of quiet corners to steal some not so innocent kisses in.

After that it was time to shop! I wanted to buy a lace underskirt, but my mom made me feel ashamed of wanted to buy clothes before I left, so I just bought honey and a packet of seasoning to make some yummy dip for my tea parties.

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard during the shows, or have been so happy at the RenFest. I'm really glad that Neal was able to come with me. Okay, so maybe we were a little bit disgusting by out cutsey coupley behavior, but hey. This is the second time I've been in love with someone, and the first time I don't have to worry about my standing with them.

Then after we had walked through the whole place over and over again, we were hungry and it was time to go home. Neal agreed to buy stuff to make tacos and was kind enough to make them for me too.

While we ate dinner, we watched Spartacus: VENGEANCE! I found out I accidentally skipped an episode today so Neal was laughing at me as I gasped and talked to the characters on the screen. After the episodes ended, it was 8:30. Not enough time to start another episode, but Neal didn't need to leave until 9, so I made him sit and cuddle with me.

It was nice to just sit with him and have him touch me. Not even sexually just, to be touched. I'm really going to miss that. I'm going to miss holding his hand, or cuddling up next to him and feeling his hands on my skin or through my hair.

I'm still really terrified about losing him, but time is pushing me forward so I'm doing my best to not think about it. Or I'm doing my best to find something to help me not think about it. It just seems that all my time with him, no matter how happy, is tinged with sadness. More on this is in the last post under the read more...

This is going to be a hard year, so thank God for Skype.

Love and Peace
Elle