Not exactly happy...

I'm not exactly happy right now. Part of me feels like the boyfriend doesn't want to put in the work for this relationship. But he doesn't understand when I tell him that because he wants me to tell him specific things to do and I can't. So we're at an impasse there.

Besides, if I tell him what I want him to do, he's going to do that. But then, will he be doing that because he knows it makes me happy and he wants to do it because it makes me happy, or will he be doing it just to placate me? 

I think that's why the letter writing thing bothered me so much. He clearly doesn't like to do it, and now I feel like, whenever he writes me, he's just doing it to pacify me. Not because he wants to make me happy. 

Now, I don't even want to do this letter thing anymore. Not when there isn't anything behind it.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really miss me. I mean, he probably does, but he never tells me, or does anything to show me that. How else am I supposed to know how he's feeling if he doesn't tell me? He can't touch me, which is what I'd prefer, but since we can't do that and since I'm not getting any affirmations from him, I'm feeling a bit lost and lonely. I feel like I'm putting a lot more emotion and heart into this than he is. Or that he doesn't care as much as I do about us.

Maybe I'm nit-picking because of the distance. Part of me feels like he's getting sick of my insecure shit. But, I feel like I'm left in the dark about how he feels about me and how he feels about being separate. I feel like I'm alone in missing him, and because of that, I feel a bit foolish for missing him as much as I do. Why should I miss him as much as I do, when, I feel, as if I've just become a passing thought in his mind. Something he easily pushes away and doesn't care about. 

I'm afraid that if I leave off, or repress my feelings for him so I can live without this constant reminder of him, I'm going fall out of love. That would suck for everyone. 

Also, I have a lot of reservations about going to see him this winter. I mean, what if he's not the person I've been missing all this time. Or vice versa. What if this is just an exercise of frustration? I'm also nervous about going to Comiket. I mean, I'm so completely not in the anime world. Part of me is afraid he'll see just how out of place I am and not like that at all. Or, as he's wrapped in his "promised land," I'll just be shunted to the wayside. 

Maybe I'm over thinking this too much. 

Hopefully, these thoughts will be pushed aside as school picks up for finals or what not. Or better yet, resolved. For the latter, I have to think of exactly what I want to say and how to spell it out so  I don't just give my bad mood to him. Lord knows he has a lot more than I do to deal with. 

Love and Peace,

Elie

It's been a while, but I'm procrastinating homework.

So you get an update!

Hooray!

This post is going to seem a bit scattered because I've only gotten four hours of sleep last night.

I've actually been busy with school and work so there wasn't much to update about besides "Oh I'm off to work and I still have this this and this to do."

On a different note, I'm getting really sick and tired of some of my friends' shit. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to sit back and allow them to treat me like I'm just an acquaintance. If I wanted that, I'd go and hang out with acquaintances.

Today at work, early in the morning, a young woman came into the C-store, looked me in the eye and asked "Is this place open."

I must admit, the look I gave her wasn't the kindest. To my defense, it was about 7:45 in the morning and the only thing that was running through my mind was "If we weren't open would you have been able to walk through the door? If we weren't open, would you be seeing me, standing here behind the counter, dressed as I am (hat, gray campus dining shirt, apron, nametag, black pants, etc.) staring at you? What do you think?"

Not one of my finer moments. I did feel bad about it after I handed her her drink and watched her walk away. After that I was a lot nicer to my customers.

After work,  I wandered home and happily took a shower.

Now I'm sitting in an empty room in Mackinac. It's the perfect place to do hw because there's no one there and no one else is crazy enough to come to school on the weekend, unless they're language students.

After this blog I'll be productive. I promise.

Actually, the real reason I'm writing is because I'm feeling selfish again and writing about it makes me feel a little better. I'm feeling a little lonely because I talked to my beau and I can't stand the thought that I still have three entire months before I get to touch him again. There are so many times in skype where we talk, I just want to reach through the computer screen and touch his face.

This distance thing is really hard you guys. I don't think I've ever done something so constantly exhausting and heart breaking. I feel selfish for a lot of it too. For whispered wishes in the night that he'd come home and for complaining about all this to you.

Sometimes I wish I were stronger so I could get through this without this aching feeling in the pit of my heart. There are moments when I can push it out of the way and forget about it, but it always grows back.

I'm not sure how I can do this. I guess I'll just have to put myself in God's hands.

*sigh* Letting go like that is really hard though.

Anyways, I do need to get to work.

Thanks for listening.
Love and Peace
Elle

Heels

I like to wear heels. They make my butt and legs look really good, and I feel really good in them.

However, I draw a lot of attention to myself as I walk across the cement on campus or down the hallways in the school buildings.

At least I look good so I'm not embarrassing myself when eyes are on me. Though I think I look a bit mean.

On another unrelated note. I really think Neal and I can do this. I think we can do this for the long run, even past Japan and whatever life can throw at us.

I have a lot to do this weekend though including notes and homework for Psych, Ed 315 and 337, and also Science. I might as well throw french in there as well. Good thing there's a library at home.

I'm off to get ready for my final class of the week!

Love and Peace
Elle