Extra Time

I'm sitting here in the connection and I realize that I have enough time to write an update on whatever's been happening.

Over these past few weeks I have discovered many things. The first is my newfound love of lists. And this is a love that has stemmed from necessity. You see, with all of my schoolwork, and then learning about having to take other classes this summer, as well as my future being close enough that I need to start thinking about it, I was starting to feel out of control of my own life. Coupled with the fact that the sun hasn't been shining as much as it does the other seasons of the year, my moods were taking a turn for the worst on an almost daily basis.

Thus, my habit of "listing" was born. It started with me not listening in my philosophy class like normal, and writing down a list of what I wanted to have accomplished in the next five-ish years. I must admit, I immediately felt a lot calmer. As fast as I could, without being distracting, I grabbed another piece of paper and began to write down the things I needed to do by the end of the week, and then by the end of that day!

Before I knew it, my life was organized in a way my room never will be. It's a really nice feeling knowing what I need to do by the end of the day.

Now I have lists everywhere and I haven't felt overwhelmed or have been mopey since that day.

However, I'm still going to talk to one of the counselors here at school to figure out some other coping strategies for anxiety so I can head off panic attacks early or stop them if I get hit unexpectedly. It'd also be nice to know how to not let little things bother me.

Something unfortunate, due to my busy schedule/half of the week, I haven't been able to get any exercising in. Especially since the only place/time I can get my schoolwork done is at school and during the time that is best for working out. I'm sure it'll get better after this week because I'll have all weekend to manage my studies.

Speaking of all weekend, I'm tossing the idea around of going home. Why? TO WATCH SPARTACUS OF COURSE!

I have not been able to watch my show, which kills me a little on the inside. I need to know what happens. I want to see the interactions between the characters. I'm craving the blood, sex, and politics. Finally, I have to know what happens to my biggest OTP "Craevia." Or CrixusxNaevia for those of you who don't follow the awesome.

But I suppose I can do that anytime. I have this fear that I'm going to go home and then get hit with a snowstorm on the way back. Honestly, nothing scares me more than driving in a bad snow storm, or on bad roads, with my little car. It's a good car, don't get me wrong, but I hate feeling like I might spin out at any moment. It's these winter months that I realize how much I really want my giant, four wheel drive, pick-up truck.

Crossing my thoughts lately, besides my wonderous lists, my need of Spartacus, and the weather, is my future. Often times, I wonder if I need to choose one aspect of my future over another. Especially when it comes to horses and my job.

Then this gifset come to mind:

and I suddenly feel better.

On that note, I'm off to meander on the web until I need to go print off my assignment.
Love and Peace
Elie

So I might or might not have eaten a whole thing of Lindt chocolate...

It was totally worth it, but it also means I have to sweat EVERY day instead of every other day.

Not that I mind. I'm going to try some yoga poses. I find that after I do some, my whole body feels leaner, longer, and stronger. I feel calmer for some reason too.

So, I think a lot. We all know this is true.

One thing on my mind is that I need to make sure my grades stay at the top of their game. If my english GPA drops at all, I will be out of the CoE so both of my English classes need to be an A. Not that I'm too worried about it, but that just rests in the back of my mind.

On top of that, I have no idea what I'm going to do this summer. I have to take those PED classes in order to graduate on time. However, I don't have living arrangements up here. On top of that, I'd like to take them during the spring semester because I accepted a job offer for the summer semester.

The worst part is, is that I can't make any moves until March 18th so I can see if I can get both of those classes done in the spring. By then, it might be a bit difficult to get a room in a dorm, or become a sub-leaser in an apartment for a short period of time.

Another thing I'm noticing is that one of my roommates is slowly getting on my nerves. Not so much the last of my nerves, but my nerves like "I just want to watch this show and not listen to you say anything" sort of nerves. I know she feels left out when we (myself and the other two) take over the living room and nothing together and not really talk to each other. But that's our way of bonding. It gets really irritating when we just want to hang out in our own little bubbles and she keeps trying to pop them.

I sort of feel bad telling her to stop talking to me too. I guess the only thing to do is just to hold this fragile balance. It's not like we'll be together much longer.

More drama has been happening within the Ren club circle of my friends. This reinforces my idea that I made a good choice by not joining the ren club. As much as I love listening to drama about other people, I hate when people try and put me in the middle. I hope they won't be too mad at me because I'm not going to bad mouth the other person.

Who am I kidding. I find it really funny that they're bitching to me about each other and I'm in the middle of it all. Especially when they know I'm friends with both of them. As long as they know I'm not picking sides, all is well. Well, for me at least. They'll have to work this out themselves.

A couple of other things is that I've have finally discovered the wonder of Brie. This cheese can go with anything and still taste amazing! The french know what they're doing when it comes to cheese. I must say.

Something else I realized. Those voice lessons need to be put on hold. If I want to travel around this summer, I'm going to need to save my money. So there goes that idea.

Which brings me to my next point, a rant you've heard fall from my lips onto these keys many times.

I need a niche. I feel like everyone has one around me and that I'm a bit too old to start something new in order to be really good at it. Except for maybe one thing, horseback riding... but that's not in the cards right now. I don't have the money, I hate borrowing, and my parents aren't really on board with it. A lot of times, I think I'll never get back into it. How can I on a teacher's budget?

Or maybe I'm just missing it because it's something that's just out of my reach. But, it really was the one thing that I worked so hard at to be good at. In the summer, or on breaks, I would go to the barn almost every single day and ride. It was the one thing that really tested my limits. The one thing that, after I had been thrown from the saddle physically and emotionally, I got back up and got stronger and better.

I mean, I'd like to think that my future holds horses, and showing, and trail riding. I really would.
However, when I start thinking... it starts to look a little less realistic than I'd like it to be.

Recently brought up, was another thing about my future. I was talking to a friend who graduated and now is having trouble finding a job in MI teaching. What if, once I graduated, I get a job out of state? That's great right? Right. However the boyfriend still will be in school here in MI. Not so great. Now there's a ton of what ifs. What if I get my dream job in CO and he can't find a job out there? I really don't want to be stuck in any of the center states... except for TX (but that's by the ocean). I've had this dream for my future for so long. I don't want to give up on it or compromise more than I am on it. But I also want my boyfriend. I want him there with me. I don't want distance, another distance situation to split us up. That's what scares me the most. That we won't be able to make it work because of job placement. In all honesty, that'd be a really awful reason for it not to work... you see what I mean? I over think these things.

I want mountains. I want wide open land with trees and mountains and wonderful trails to follow and rivers to splash through. I want land for horses.

My future is so full of "what if's" right now. Sometimes I lay awake in bed and follow the different paths that are so possible right now. Most nights, I end up with a head and heart ache.

On top of all this, the second period on the IUD is approaching. I'm not exactly sure what to expect because the last time, I was spotting pretty regularly. This time, the body is more used to this copper, foreign object nestled inside me. However, I'm not exactly sure what to expect or when to expect it. For days now, my body has been feel like it has been preparing for the whole sha-bang, but I haven't had any results.

I just wish this was more of a regular occurrence now.

Another thing I want to do is go shopping. I really want to go shopping. There's a new perfume I want to sniff, there are stores I want to peek into and see if they have pretty sundresses out yet. Or loose shirts that I can wear with short shorts. Maybe this is what I've been saving all my money for.

Either way, I promised the boyfriend that I would wait to go shopping with him. Also, another reason to wait is that I'm working on sculpting my body. By the time I go shopping, I'm going to be a bit slimmer, probably. I shouldn't buy anything now when it won't fit later. I also want that bathing suit. It's red, with polkadots and super cute.

In the meantime, I will continue to do my exercises and yoga whilst watching the TV. Unless it stops snowing, then I'll be going to the gym before coming home and doing muscle stuff in the living room.

I guess, I'm out of things to talk about now. I just wish I was in a little more control of my life and where it's going right now.

Much Love,
Elie

Snow

Looks like the time has finally come for me to break out all those Vitamin D pills I bought last year. I'm getting more use out of my knee high winter boots than I have ever before, and I find myself scraping my car off at night so there's less to do in the morning. That shovel I bought years ago is finally scraping ice and concrete away from tires of small cars so they can pull out of their parking spots.

Yes, my friends, winter has arrived in Allendale. That means my thoughts enter an emotional roller coaster, I want to drive as little as possible, and working out becomes something of the bane of my existence for the single reason of actually having to bundle up, go to the gym, undress, then bundle up again. So now, you'll find me in front of the TV doing jumping jacks and sit ups instead of running my ass off at the gym.

As for school, it is getting fairly busy. We are now at the point in my capstone where we must have some idea of where we want to go with our project. Instead of examining the relationships of the characters and the untraditional idea of power that Stroud writes about, I see my theme changing into what constitutes good and evil as examined by Stroud in his novel Amulet of Samarakand.

Honestly, I'm not sure that's even a good topic.

Maybe I should just do a complete analysis of the themes of Moby Dick and then run with that. I have a feeling it might be a little easier.

Work is going well too. There's a director at one of the places who terrifies the snot out of me, but that's alright. I'm learning her ways and she's learning mine. I love the little kids most of the time, but I realize that I need to do a little bit more planning with my lessons so they're more interesting for my kids. That way, I can spend the whole time with them instead of spending half of the lesson telling them to get back to the learning area because we're doing music class and not fuck-around-with-everything-else-in-the-room class.

Campus dining is going really well too! I don't have much to do and my hours are spectacular. Even though, between my two jobs, I'm making roughly the same amount I had been before, I find I like this schedule a lot better.

Actually, I'm thinking of picking up voice lessons for the remainder of the semester before I return home and find an actual teacher. I figure, I have the money to do all this, I might as well start on it now so I have a head start for the summer. That way, I can find something and do something that I actually like doing instead of just school and work.

However, I don't know how well this plan will go. So I guess I'll keep you updated on whether or not I gather up the courage to email the voice professor who gives out lessons.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me in the meantime.

Love and Peace
Elie

Two things

Amanda: I want a story from you about you and your beau. Also, I'm sorry about your stress and what your mom said. I'm sure things will get better after finals. If you need a study buddy, just text me your location and I'll show up with my multitude of shit to do.

The rest of you:

I finished reading the first book of the Hunger Games trilogy today. So now, I'm going to stay up and watch the movie. It's just the first few scenes and already I want to go and practice archery. I wish I had a professional to show me what I need to work on.

Anyway, the movie was done really well. Sure they left out a few characters/slightly changed some scenes. But they did it in a way that was true to the book and the world that was created. It's very good.

I actually might buy the movies to match the books. They're the kinds of movies I can watch many times without getting bored. Or the first one is in any case.

Something else regarding this series, Megan calls me Katniss sometimes. I find I like the comparison, even if I don't think it's that accurate.

Man, this day is weighing on me and it's hardly over. My body is sore with fatigue. It's one of those nights where I wish someone would take me by the hand and tuck me into bed, shushing me when I mumble about getting work done.

I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that no one is here.

Tomorrow I'll be up early again. I have my first day of job training at Gymboree. Then I get to come home and nap or try some walking test runs with my pipe cleaner people and their sticky tack shoes.

Perhaps that is my creative outlet. Not only do I get to write, but I get to create as well. Of course, I can't say exactly what right now. That would give away the boyfriend's Christmas gift. However,  my project has turned my room into a studio of sorts.

There's no way I'll be getting anything done in there unless it's about my project. I think, if I get a bit done each day, it'll be done in time. :)

Anyways, after my small break, I'll be taking my step-dad to visit the dorms that I might be living in next year.

Oh! I almost forgot!

I went to a meeting today about getting into the college of ed. I'm completely terrified, but tomorrow morning, I need to call up and make an appointment with my advisor.

Hopefully everything will turn out all right. I'm too out of it to really be worried right now. Maybe it'll hit me when I wake up and I'll do my freaking out then.

Or not. I feel like I'm at my limit with this stress thing. My face is even breaking out like nobody's  business. I know I should be exercising, because that really helps with stress level and complexion. But when I have free time, I only want to work on my project or read.

Some other thoughts. I'm thinking of dropping Campus Dining to try and go for a writing 150 tutoring job at the tutoring center. I'll go and ask them sometime next week. In between my CoE appointment and everything else I need to do.

Alright. I'm going to go watch my movie and brainstorm about how I'm going to write this effing paper.

I'm sorry Nick, I don't know how you stand writing psychology papers and designing experiments.

Love and Peace
Elie

Winding Down

Well, Thanksgiving break is coming to an end.

It started out really shaky, but you know, all things considered, it was pretty great.

The first great thing that happened was I got to see my mom for almost 3 whole days! I know it doesn't sound like much, but seeing as how I hardly ever get to see her, it was really great.

Then we went to see the big family for thanksgiving. I actually got to catch up with a lot of cousins and spent most of the evening talking to one of my aunts. Every time I go and see them all, it gets easier and easier to talk to them. My mom was also allowed to come. It was good to see her there with her family.

We also booked my flight to Japan! Whenever I think about it, I get really excited and nervous at the same time. It'll be my first time flying so there's all those concerns, but there's some part of me that's nervous about seeing my boyfriend for the first time, in the flesh, after four long months.

I also got to see my Dad a lot. I've seen him almost every day that I've been home. We're even going out to eat tonight. Tomorrow, I'll be going to breakfast with George before heading back to school for work and getting stuff done.

Throughout the weekend, I got to spend a lot of time with the old dog and the small cat. They're both doing well, if a little lazy.

That's one thing I didn't get done this weekend. I did not get any school work. I guess, this upcoming week I'm not going to give myself free time. It'll be work work work until I'm all caught up.

Look, I say that now, but I probably wont.

Another thing that I have been behind on is NaNoWriMo. I will finish it by the 30th of November, but that will be after nights and nights of just typing when I'm done with schoolwork for that night.

I'm so behind it's really bad.

However, I needed this break to just relax and re-center myself to be able to do great work.

When I go back to school, it'll be a tough 3 weeks before I can just not worry about anything but work and packing to go travel.

I'll get through it.

Love and Peace
Elie

Stress

I think now until finals I'm just going to want to put a gun in my mouth and get it all over with.

I can't handle how difficult planned parenthood is making this for me. "You need to come in on your period." "Well I'm on my period now..." "Oh, we're all booked up." So I call back later. "I'd like to make an appointment for December when I'm on my period." "Well you have to call when you're on your period." "Last time I did that you were booked." "Well call early."

I'm over being done with them.

Then school. I don't really have any more to say about that.

Work. I am actually starting to like my job, and like the money they pay me. However, I want to do Gymboree too. Maybe there's a way to do both? I dunno. I'll wait and see what she says before trying to work all that in.

NaNoWriMo and letters to the boyfriend. How can I write all that when I need to bust my ass every other day? I need to write around 2,500 words today just to stay on top of things because I just can't write on Wednesdays. I also need to write to the boyfriend because he's that important to me and getting letters is fun.

Right now, a bit of me feels like I'm being swept out to sea without a boat. How am I going to float without anything? Can't I ever get a log or floaties or something?! An inner-tube? Floaties? Something to hold onto?

Of course, this could just be God saying I need to learn to swim better and teaching me by kicking me into a raging sea.

Ugh.

I'm going to go finish some homework and study for a test now.

Love and Peace
Elie

Music

Know how music can change your mood and affect you for the rest of the week? Like how you just listen to one song and then it affects everything you do? Last week was kind of sad. I listened to Rascal Flatts' song Wake Me Up.

It's so good, but it makes me sort of depressed. So now I'm listening to Knee Deep by Zac Brown Band and it's really nice. Sort of springy.

Today started out rough. I have to tell you. I didn't end up going to sleep until 2 or 3 am and then I had to get up again at 7. Sort got a glare from the teacher as I listened to his lecture for the first half hour with my eyes closed. Good thing I can wake up around 10.

Class was great and the quiz we took wasn't that bad. It even let us get out an hour early which was perfect! I headed straight home and slept.

At first I was only going to sleep for an hour, but my room was warm and I was tired so I allowed myself a couple more hours before getting up, doing homework, and now blogging to you. The rest of the day will be taken up with classes. I have a quiz in science, which shouldn't be too bad, and then three hours of psychology where I'll probably write another letter to Neal...

If he gets the others I sent him. This is ridiculous! It's been a while since I've sent him my letters and he still hasn't gotten them.

Anyway, after class tonight, I'm going to go through my composition 2 in french and correct it and add to it if I need to. Maybe I'll do journal 2 if she's posted it yet.

Right now, I'm not caring that particularly much. Maybe it's the fact that I'll probably have trouble falling asleep tonight, as always. Maybe it's the resignation that all my life is consisting of presently is school and work. Maybe it's the fact that I've stressed myself out to the point where I don't care anymore.

Who knows. I guess it's a strange thing, how peace can come from a storm.

Love and Peace
Elle

*UPDATE*

So after science class, where we had a quiz, I was able to have an hour to myself. Since it was so nice out, I went to the arb next to the pond, found a rock to place my bag against and made it my pillow. I was fully intending to read my book, but instead ended up taking another nap before class.

Class was long. I lost heart halfway through so that means a lot of work this weekend for that class seeing as there is a test in there on Monday. I have a week so it'll be fine.

After class it started to rain, but I caught a bus so I didn't get too wet. The lightning was gorgeous though. I watched it as I drove to Family Fare to pick up milk and apples. Half of me wanted to stand outside in the weather in some park just to watch the lighting, but another, probably smarter, half said that it might be better to just hang out in the car.

It was still really pretty, watching that florescent purple light up the sky around bright, white, gashes.

Then I got home and rearranged my room.

I probably have to clean up a lot in order to get the feel I want, but I sort of like it. Now all I need are Adventure Time DVDs and to set my ps2 up and I'll be set for the weekends.

Heels

I like to wear heels. They make my butt and legs look really good, and I feel really good in them.

However, I draw a lot of attention to myself as I walk across the cement on campus or down the hallways in the school buildings.

At least I look good so I'm not embarrassing myself when eyes are on me. Though I think I look a bit mean.

On another unrelated note. I really think Neal and I can do this. I think we can do this for the long run, even past Japan and whatever life can throw at us.

I have a lot to do this weekend though including notes and homework for Psych, Ed 315 and 337, and also Science. I might as well throw french in there as well. Good thing there's a library at home.

I'm off to get ready for my final class of the week!

Love and Peace
Elle