Extra Time

I'm sitting here in the connection and I realize that I have enough time to write an update on whatever's been happening.

Over these past few weeks I have discovered many things. The first is my newfound love of lists. And this is a love that has stemmed from necessity. You see, with all of my schoolwork, and then learning about having to take other classes this summer, as well as my future being close enough that I need to start thinking about it, I was starting to feel out of control of my own life. Coupled with the fact that the sun hasn't been shining as much as it does the other seasons of the year, my moods were taking a turn for the worst on an almost daily basis.

Thus, my habit of "listing" was born. It started with me not listening in my philosophy class like normal, and writing down a list of what I wanted to have accomplished in the next five-ish years. I must admit, I immediately felt a lot calmer. As fast as I could, without being distracting, I grabbed another piece of paper and began to write down the things I needed to do by the end of the week, and then by the end of that day!

Before I knew it, my life was organized in a way my room never will be. It's a really nice feeling knowing what I need to do by the end of the day.

Now I have lists everywhere and I haven't felt overwhelmed or have been mopey since that day.

However, I'm still going to talk to one of the counselors here at school to figure out some other coping strategies for anxiety so I can head off panic attacks early or stop them if I get hit unexpectedly. It'd also be nice to know how to not let little things bother me.

Something unfortunate, due to my busy schedule/half of the week, I haven't been able to get any exercising in. Especially since the only place/time I can get my schoolwork done is at school and during the time that is best for working out. I'm sure it'll get better after this week because I'll have all weekend to manage my studies.

Speaking of all weekend, I'm tossing the idea around of going home. Why? TO WATCH SPARTACUS OF COURSE!

I have not been able to watch my show, which kills me a little on the inside. I need to know what happens. I want to see the interactions between the characters. I'm craving the blood, sex, and politics. Finally, I have to know what happens to my biggest OTP "Craevia." Or CrixusxNaevia for those of you who don't follow the awesome.

But I suppose I can do that anytime. I have this fear that I'm going to go home and then get hit with a snowstorm on the way back. Honestly, nothing scares me more than driving in a bad snow storm, or on bad roads, with my little car. It's a good car, don't get me wrong, but I hate feeling like I might spin out at any moment. It's these winter months that I realize how much I really want my giant, four wheel drive, pick-up truck.

Crossing my thoughts lately, besides my wonderous lists, my need of Spartacus, and the weather, is my future. Often times, I wonder if I need to choose one aspect of my future over another. Especially when it comes to horses and my job.

Then this gifset come to mind:

and I suddenly feel better.

On that note, I'm off to meander on the web until I need to go print off my assignment.
Love and Peace
Elie

So I might or might not have eaten a whole thing of Lindt chocolate...

It was totally worth it, but it also means I have to sweat EVERY day instead of every other day.

Not that I mind. I'm going to try some yoga poses. I find that after I do some, my whole body feels leaner, longer, and stronger. I feel calmer for some reason too.

So, I think a lot. We all know this is true.

One thing on my mind is that I need to make sure my grades stay at the top of their game. If my english GPA drops at all, I will be out of the CoE so both of my English classes need to be an A. Not that I'm too worried about it, but that just rests in the back of my mind.

On top of that, I have no idea what I'm going to do this summer. I have to take those PED classes in order to graduate on time. However, I don't have living arrangements up here. On top of that, I'd like to take them during the spring semester because I accepted a job offer for the summer semester.

The worst part is, is that I can't make any moves until March 18th so I can see if I can get both of those classes done in the spring. By then, it might be a bit difficult to get a room in a dorm, or become a sub-leaser in an apartment for a short period of time.

Another thing I'm noticing is that one of my roommates is slowly getting on my nerves. Not so much the last of my nerves, but my nerves like "I just want to watch this show and not listen to you say anything" sort of nerves. I know she feels left out when we (myself and the other two) take over the living room and nothing together and not really talk to each other. But that's our way of bonding. It gets really irritating when we just want to hang out in our own little bubbles and she keeps trying to pop them.

I sort of feel bad telling her to stop talking to me too. I guess the only thing to do is just to hold this fragile balance. It's not like we'll be together much longer.

More drama has been happening within the Ren club circle of my friends. This reinforces my idea that I made a good choice by not joining the ren club. As much as I love listening to drama about other people, I hate when people try and put me in the middle. I hope they won't be too mad at me because I'm not going to bad mouth the other person.

Who am I kidding. I find it really funny that they're bitching to me about each other and I'm in the middle of it all. Especially when they know I'm friends with both of them. As long as they know I'm not picking sides, all is well. Well, for me at least. They'll have to work this out themselves.

A couple of other things is that I've have finally discovered the wonder of Brie. This cheese can go with anything and still taste amazing! The french know what they're doing when it comes to cheese. I must say.

Something else I realized. Those voice lessons need to be put on hold. If I want to travel around this summer, I'm going to need to save my money. So there goes that idea.

Which brings me to my next point, a rant you've heard fall from my lips onto these keys many times.

I need a niche. I feel like everyone has one around me and that I'm a bit too old to start something new in order to be really good at it. Except for maybe one thing, horseback riding... but that's not in the cards right now. I don't have the money, I hate borrowing, and my parents aren't really on board with it. A lot of times, I think I'll never get back into it. How can I on a teacher's budget?

Or maybe I'm just missing it because it's something that's just out of my reach. But, it really was the one thing that I worked so hard at to be good at. In the summer, or on breaks, I would go to the barn almost every single day and ride. It was the one thing that really tested my limits. The one thing that, after I had been thrown from the saddle physically and emotionally, I got back up and got stronger and better.

I mean, I'd like to think that my future holds horses, and showing, and trail riding. I really would.
However, when I start thinking... it starts to look a little less realistic than I'd like it to be.

Recently brought up, was another thing about my future. I was talking to a friend who graduated and now is having trouble finding a job in MI teaching. What if, once I graduated, I get a job out of state? That's great right? Right. However the boyfriend still will be in school here in MI. Not so great. Now there's a ton of what ifs. What if I get my dream job in CO and he can't find a job out there? I really don't want to be stuck in any of the center states... except for TX (but that's by the ocean). I've had this dream for my future for so long. I don't want to give up on it or compromise more than I am on it. But I also want my boyfriend. I want him there with me. I don't want distance, another distance situation to split us up. That's what scares me the most. That we won't be able to make it work because of job placement. In all honesty, that'd be a really awful reason for it not to work... you see what I mean? I over think these things.

I want mountains. I want wide open land with trees and mountains and wonderful trails to follow and rivers to splash through. I want land for horses.

My future is so full of "what if's" right now. Sometimes I lay awake in bed and follow the different paths that are so possible right now. Most nights, I end up with a head and heart ache.

On top of all this, the second period on the IUD is approaching. I'm not exactly sure what to expect because the last time, I was spotting pretty regularly. This time, the body is more used to this copper, foreign object nestled inside me. However, I'm not exactly sure what to expect or when to expect it. For days now, my body has been feel like it has been preparing for the whole sha-bang, but I haven't had any results.

I just wish this was more of a regular occurrence now.

Another thing I want to do is go shopping. I really want to go shopping. There's a new perfume I want to sniff, there are stores I want to peek into and see if they have pretty sundresses out yet. Or loose shirts that I can wear with short shorts. Maybe this is what I've been saving all my money for.

Either way, I promised the boyfriend that I would wait to go shopping with him. Also, another reason to wait is that I'm working on sculpting my body. By the time I go shopping, I'm going to be a bit slimmer, probably. I shouldn't buy anything now when it won't fit later. I also want that bathing suit. It's red, with polkadots and super cute.

In the meantime, I will continue to do my exercises and yoga whilst watching the TV. Unless it stops snowing, then I'll be going to the gym before coming home and doing muscle stuff in the living room.

I guess, I'm out of things to talk about now. I just wish I was in a little more control of my life and where it's going right now.

Much Love,
Elie

What a Monday

Got up at 4:30 due to a nightmare. Strange thing was, that wasn't the only time I had gotten up that night. In fact, I think I woke up a couple of times. One of my favorites was around 2:30/3:30ish thinking I had to teach my friend's swtor character A Heart Full of Love from Les Mis. 

Work today was a lot of fun because I really like the kids at the Tutor Time I go to. Because I was up at 4:30, I had a nice morning laying in bed trying to get feeling back in my fingers and toes in the aftermath of jumping awake. Since Tara didn't have school today I was able to take a long, hot shower. A wonderful, but increasingly rare occurrence. 

The point to that whole story was that I arrived at work super early. I was excited about arriving early, instead of getting there just in time to grab what I need and run. The only issue I had, though, was that I walked in and everything in the building was gone. It was an empty shell. 

My boss had told me that she was moving, but that there would be an email giving the new location's adress. 

After many frantic calls and a trip back to the old building, I finally got that adress but was now running late. Good thing my boss called ahead of me.

The day went really well once I had finally got there. The kids are always a lot fun and I feel like I get better with each lesson. The only thing I wish were different was that the kids weren't sick with colds. I'm always so paranoid when they cough.

Oh well! I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm determined not get sick until summer. I have a feeling that this year is going to be that year. I'm super overdue for a major illness. 

Anyway, I came home and took a nap. It was only supposed to be a half hour, but it lasted way past French class and into the evening. Gretchen woke me up and almost ushered me to bed. That's probably the smart thing to do, but I have a feeling I'll be up at 4:30 again if I went to bed now. 

ON a different note, college of ed applications are due by the end of this week!! It's so nerve wracking but really exciting at the same time. Part of me is really nervous because there is so much that had to be done, but then another part of me (the more logical side) reminds me that this has been done before. Over and over again. 

It'll all work out fine. I'm sure of it. Mostly sure. 

The rest of this week will be nice and normal I think. I hope.

Well, I'm off to do reading and finally watch... ugh... Doctor Who with the Roomies. 

Love and Peace

Elie

Snow

Looks like the time has finally come for me to break out all those Vitamin D pills I bought last year. I'm getting more use out of my knee high winter boots than I have ever before, and I find myself scraping my car off at night so there's less to do in the morning. That shovel I bought years ago is finally scraping ice and concrete away from tires of small cars so they can pull out of their parking spots.

Yes, my friends, winter has arrived in Allendale. That means my thoughts enter an emotional roller coaster, I want to drive as little as possible, and working out becomes something of the bane of my existence for the single reason of actually having to bundle up, go to the gym, undress, then bundle up again. So now, you'll find me in front of the TV doing jumping jacks and sit ups instead of running my ass off at the gym.

As for school, it is getting fairly busy. We are now at the point in my capstone where we must have some idea of where we want to go with our project. Instead of examining the relationships of the characters and the untraditional idea of power that Stroud writes about, I see my theme changing into what constitutes good and evil as examined by Stroud in his novel Amulet of Samarakand.

Honestly, I'm not sure that's even a good topic.

Maybe I should just do a complete analysis of the themes of Moby Dick and then run with that. I have a feeling it might be a little easier.

Work is going well too. There's a director at one of the places who terrifies the snot out of me, but that's alright. I'm learning her ways and she's learning mine. I love the little kids most of the time, but I realize that I need to do a little bit more planning with my lessons so they're more interesting for my kids. That way, I can spend the whole time with them instead of spending half of the lesson telling them to get back to the learning area because we're doing music class and not fuck-around-with-everything-else-in-the-room class.

Campus dining is going really well too! I don't have much to do and my hours are spectacular. Even though, between my two jobs, I'm making roughly the same amount I had been before, I find I like this schedule a lot better.

Actually, I'm thinking of picking up voice lessons for the remainder of the semester before I return home and find an actual teacher. I figure, I have the money to do all this, I might as well start on it now so I have a head start for the summer. That way, I can find something and do something that I actually like doing instead of just school and work.

However, I don't know how well this plan will go. So I guess I'll keep you updated on whether or not I gather up the courage to email the voice professor who gives out lessons.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me in the meantime.

Love and Peace
Elie

Another slightly depressing post, and then I'm done... probably

Last night I had a dream that Midnight had woken up and that everything was alright. So waking up this morning was really pleasant.

However, like all dreams do, it faded away like the shadows of my room and I found myself going through my morning routine in a daze. It wasn't like a normal morning daze, I felt too heavy for that.

I realized I had to learn to function properly today and for the rest of this week, so I did the one thing I knew that would stop me from crying: I put on make up. Because I won't have time to fix it if I get emotional, this has been a smart idea.

Today, after my classes, I have work, which is fine because I'm riding the bus all over the place.

Tomorrow, I have work on beltline and if the weather doesn't clear up, I need to contact my boss. I'm really scared of driving out in the mess that is the roads and I don't want to risk anything by making my way out there. I'd hate to end up in a ditch due to snow, or worse and not make it to my schools.

I don't know when I developed this fear of driving in extreme weather. However, it's there. I'm just scared to talk to my boss about it. If things don't clear up by the time I get home tonight, I think I'll be making a very apologetic phone call.

Hopefully today goes by well. I'm not sure if I want it to go by fast, but I think well is a good way for it to go.

Love and Peace
Elie

Bye Bye Black Dog