I wonder how much longer
the candle can pretend to hide
the thunderstorms outside

Thoughts on True Love

Someone once said (on a cheesy psychic hotline website) that true love is disruptive and chaotic. At first I was offended. How could anyone think of true love in such a way? Surely this person was so jaded that he couldn’t see the wonder that Disney and all the other famous love stories have presented. 

Now I understand.

True love takes your emotions and stretches them as far as they can go. It does not allow for mediocre feelings (at least with me). It only allows for one to be either blissfully happy or heartbroken. Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes, one or the other so intense that it consumes us. It can make these emotions go from one to the other in record time.

It does not let go. 

It holds your head under water past the point where you think you’re going to drown. It makes you suffer for all your worth.

And in that suffering, if you survive, you are reborn. 

My view of love has changed immensely since I’ve fallen into it. At this point in time, it is something I only recommend to fools and people who know how to guard their hearts. To people who are strong and wish to become stronger.

Love is like the desert. It loves to test you to your limits. You lose your way, you take one wrong step, and you are finished. 

Precipice

I feel like, and I know I've said this many times before, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a canon. Or like I'm in the middle of the ocean and it's that moment before the wind is about to pick up. Or even, I feel like the breath drawn before the fingers pull the trigger or loose an arrow.

I feel this stirring in my chest and I have a feeling that I'm going to be going through some sort of metamorphosis. I just... I've been feeling stagnant for a really long time and I really feel like something is going to start picking up for me.

No idea what it is, but I just know something is coming.

It's getting to be that time again...

So, with two weeks left and then finals, it is getting to be that time again where I am obsessively creating lists.

Why? Finals week is coming up and I still have so much to do before that! Including: finishing assignments, creating a 10 minute presentation, and preparing for a philosophy final.

Not only that, but I'm not exactly sure what the schedule is for the spring semester and I still need a place to live for that... (Nick, if you're reading this, I'm going to talk it out with the parents tomorrow so please don't worry about it)

I still need to figure out a new schedule for Gymboree if possible and work out spring semesters schedule. Maybe I'll take some time tonight, after finishing up a french paper, and work out all the scheduling.

Either way, it'll all work out.

I've started reading a new book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I actually bought it last year with the intention of reading it, and never got around to it. The first whole part of the book deals with something that I have been struggling with for the past month or so and that is following your dreams. Where, there is nothing stopping someone from doing what they want except themselves and the fear of change that holds them back. Or rather, the fear of sacrifice to go after what one really wants.

Another issue addressed in the first part of the book is balance. Balancing the things that are really important to you and the things that you want to do or see and how important it is to never forget that balance.

It's funny how fate puts things in front of you at the most opportune times.

For now, I'm off to work. Then I'll be burying my mind in the french language before waking up at an ungodly hour to teach some children music.

Love
Elie

It's amazing how mommy's always know what to say to make you feel better.

Last night, me and my own had a very hard conversation and I realized two things.

My mom isn't very good at comforting people. I mean, she isn't the type of person to say "I understand that things are hard right now and it's okay to feel horrible."

She says: "This is the way I see it and now we think of solutions." and the way she sees it is usually a lot more accurate, and sort of harsher than you would think. So I felt like an idiot for a little bit, especially when she pointed out things that could have been done instead of moping, but it feels better to think of solutions with someone who is an objective third party.

I guess in that way, my big epiphany last night, was that my mom is a lot like me when it comes to comforting people. We don't soften or pity the people we're comforting. We tell them like it is and then help them find the pieces they need to put themselves back together.

So now that I'm in the last leg of the semester, I just have to wait a month before putting my master plan into action.

I must say, it's a good feeling to know what to do. I just hate the fact how moody I've been to the people who don't deserve it. So I'm sorry about that.

Hopefully, things will keep looking up.

The Second Half

It seems as if I am in the second half of everything in my life right now. I'm in the second half of my second semester of my second to last year at school. I'm also in the second half of the second month of the beginning of the second year with my boyfriend.

The snow is melting and the sun is shining, a rare occasion for March, but thankfully, spring will be officially here in roughly 6 days. That is something I can't wait for. I can't wait for the days to get warmer and for my summer wardrobe to come back out of the drawer it has been shoved in for the past bunches of months.

Actually, I can't wait to buy a lot of sundresses and wear them all the time. I can't wait to spend every day outside in the sun. Or almost every day.

I need to figure out all the things I want to do this summer. I know I want to plant a garden, but I'm not sure how plausible that will be this year. Especially with the great possibility of staying up at school for a good part of the summer, AND with the possibility of traveling as well.

It'll be a great summer. I'm sure of it.

Extra Time

I'm sitting here in the connection and I realize that I have enough time to write an update on whatever's been happening.

Over these past few weeks I have discovered many things. The first is my newfound love of lists. And this is a love that has stemmed from necessity. You see, with all of my schoolwork, and then learning about having to take other classes this summer, as well as my future being close enough that I need to start thinking about it, I was starting to feel out of control of my own life. Coupled with the fact that the sun hasn't been shining as much as it does the other seasons of the year, my moods were taking a turn for the worst on an almost daily basis.

Thus, my habit of "listing" was born. It started with me not listening in my philosophy class like normal, and writing down a list of what I wanted to have accomplished in the next five-ish years. I must admit, I immediately felt a lot calmer. As fast as I could, without being distracting, I grabbed another piece of paper and began to write down the things I needed to do by the end of the week, and then by the end of that day!

Before I knew it, my life was organized in a way my room never will be. It's a really nice feeling knowing what I need to do by the end of the day.

Now I have lists everywhere and I haven't felt overwhelmed or have been mopey since that day.

However, I'm still going to talk to one of the counselors here at school to figure out some other coping strategies for anxiety so I can head off panic attacks early or stop them if I get hit unexpectedly. It'd also be nice to know how to not let little things bother me.

Something unfortunate, due to my busy schedule/half of the week, I haven't been able to get any exercising in. Especially since the only place/time I can get my schoolwork done is at school and during the time that is best for working out. I'm sure it'll get better after this week because I'll have all weekend to manage my studies.

Speaking of all weekend, I'm tossing the idea around of going home. Why? TO WATCH SPARTACUS OF COURSE!

I have not been able to watch my show, which kills me a little on the inside. I need to know what happens. I want to see the interactions between the characters. I'm craving the blood, sex, and politics. Finally, I have to know what happens to my biggest OTP "Craevia." Or CrixusxNaevia for those of you who don't follow the awesome.

But I suppose I can do that anytime. I have this fear that I'm going to go home and then get hit with a snowstorm on the way back. Honestly, nothing scares me more than driving in a bad snow storm, or on bad roads, with my little car. It's a good car, don't get me wrong, but I hate feeling like I might spin out at any moment. It's these winter months that I realize how much I really want my giant, four wheel drive, pick-up truck.

Crossing my thoughts lately, besides my wonderous lists, my need of Spartacus, and the weather, is my future. Often times, I wonder if I need to choose one aspect of my future over another. Especially when it comes to horses and my job.

Then this gifset come to mind:

and I suddenly feel better.

On that note, I'm off to meander on the web until I need to go print off my assignment.
Love and Peace
Elie