Extra Time

I'm sitting here in the connection and I realize that I have enough time to write an update on whatever's been happening.

Over these past few weeks I have discovered many things. The first is my newfound love of lists. And this is a love that has stemmed from necessity. You see, with all of my schoolwork, and then learning about having to take other classes this summer, as well as my future being close enough that I need to start thinking about it, I was starting to feel out of control of my own life. Coupled with the fact that the sun hasn't been shining as much as it does the other seasons of the year, my moods were taking a turn for the worst on an almost daily basis.

Thus, my habit of "listing" was born. It started with me not listening in my philosophy class like normal, and writing down a list of what I wanted to have accomplished in the next five-ish years. I must admit, I immediately felt a lot calmer. As fast as I could, without being distracting, I grabbed another piece of paper and began to write down the things I needed to do by the end of the week, and then by the end of that day!

Before I knew it, my life was organized in a way my room never will be. It's a really nice feeling knowing what I need to do by the end of the day.

Now I have lists everywhere and I haven't felt overwhelmed or have been mopey since that day.

However, I'm still going to talk to one of the counselors here at school to figure out some other coping strategies for anxiety so I can head off panic attacks early or stop them if I get hit unexpectedly. It'd also be nice to know how to not let little things bother me.

Something unfortunate, due to my busy schedule/half of the week, I haven't been able to get any exercising in. Especially since the only place/time I can get my schoolwork done is at school and during the time that is best for working out. I'm sure it'll get better after this week because I'll have all weekend to manage my studies.

Speaking of all weekend, I'm tossing the idea around of going home. Why? TO WATCH SPARTACUS OF COURSE!

I have not been able to watch my show, which kills me a little on the inside. I need to know what happens. I want to see the interactions between the characters. I'm craving the blood, sex, and politics. Finally, I have to know what happens to my biggest OTP "Craevia." Or CrixusxNaevia for those of you who don't follow the awesome.

But I suppose I can do that anytime. I have this fear that I'm going to go home and then get hit with a snowstorm on the way back. Honestly, nothing scares me more than driving in a bad snow storm, or on bad roads, with my little car. It's a good car, don't get me wrong, but I hate feeling like I might spin out at any moment. It's these winter months that I realize how much I really want my giant, four wheel drive, pick-up truck.

Crossing my thoughts lately, besides my wonderous lists, my need of Spartacus, and the weather, is my future. Often times, I wonder if I need to choose one aspect of my future over another. Especially when it comes to horses and my job.

Then this gifset come to mind:

and I suddenly feel better.

On that note, I'm off to meander on the web until I need to go print off my assignment.
Love and Peace
Elie

So I might or might not have eaten a whole thing of Lindt chocolate...

It was totally worth it, but it also means I have to sweat EVERY day instead of every other day.

Not that I mind. I'm going to try some yoga poses. I find that after I do some, my whole body feels leaner, longer, and stronger. I feel calmer for some reason too.

So, I think a lot. We all know this is true.

One thing on my mind is that I need to make sure my grades stay at the top of their game. If my english GPA drops at all, I will be out of the CoE so both of my English classes need to be an A. Not that I'm too worried about it, but that just rests in the back of my mind.

On top of that, I have no idea what I'm going to do this summer. I have to take those PED classes in order to graduate on time. However, I don't have living arrangements up here. On top of that, I'd like to take them during the spring semester because I accepted a job offer for the summer semester.

The worst part is, is that I can't make any moves until March 18th so I can see if I can get both of those classes done in the spring. By then, it might be a bit difficult to get a room in a dorm, or become a sub-leaser in an apartment for a short period of time.

Another thing I'm noticing is that one of my roommates is slowly getting on my nerves. Not so much the last of my nerves, but my nerves like "I just want to watch this show and not listen to you say anything" sort of nerves. I know she feels left out when we (myself and the other two) take over the living room and nothing together and not really talk to each other. But that's our way of bonding. It gets really irritating when we just want to hang out in our own little bubbles and she keeps trying to pop them.

I sort of feel bad telling her to stop talking to me too. I guess the only thing to do is just to hold this fragile balance. It's not like we'll be together much longer.

More drama has been happening within the Ren club circle of my friends. This reinforces my idea that I made a good choice by not joining the ren club. As much as I love listening to drama about other people, I hate when people try and put me in the middle. I hope they won't be too mad at me because I'm not going to bad mouth the other person.

Who am I kidding. I find it really funny that they're bitching to me about each other and I'm in the middle of it all. Especially when they know I'm friends with both of them. As long as they know I'm not picking sides, all is well. Well, for me at least. They'll have to work this out themselves.

A couple of other things is that I've have finally discovered the wonder of Brie. This cheese can go with anything and still taste amazing! The french know what they're doing when it comes to cheese. I must say.

Something else I realized. Those voice lessons need to be put on hold. If I want to travel around this summer, I'm going to need to save my money. So there goes that idea.

Which brings me to my next point, a rant you've heard fall from my lips onto these keys many times.

I need a niche. I feel like everyone has one around me and that I'm a bit too old to start something new in order to be really good at it. Except for maybe one thing, horseback riding... but that's not in the cards right now. I don't have the money, I hate borrowing, and my parents aren't really on board with it. A lot of times, I think I'll never get back into it. How can I on a teacher's budget?

Or maybe I'm just missing it because it's something that's just out of my reach. But, it really was the one thing that I worked so hard at to be good at. In the summer, or on breaks, I would go to the barn almost every single day and ride. It was the one thing that really tested my limits. The one thing that, after I had been thrown from the saddle physically and emotionally, I got back up and got stronger and better.

I mean, I'd like to think that my future holds horses, and showing, and trail riding. I really would.
However, when I start thinking... it starts to look a little less realistic than I'd like it to be.

Recently brought up, was another thing about my future. I was talking to a friend who graduated and now is having trouble finding a job in MI teaching. What if, once I graduated, I get a job out of state? That's great right? Right. However the boyfriend still will be in school here in MI. Not so great. Now there's a ton of what ifs. What if I get my dream job in CO and he can't find a job out there? I really don't want to be stuck in any of the center states... except for TX (but that's by the ocean). I've had this dream for my future for so long. I don't want to give up on it or compromise more than I am on it. But I also want my boyfriend. I want him there with me. I don't want distance, another distance situation to split us up. That's what scares me the most. That we won't be able to make it work because of job placement. In all honesty, that'd be a really awful reason for it not to work... you see what I mean? I over think these things.

I want mountains. I want wide open land with trees and mountains and wonderful trails to follow and rivers to splash through. I want land for horses.

My future is so full of "what if's" right now. Sometimes I lay awake in bed and follow the different paths that are so possible right now. Most nights, I end up with a head and heart ache.

On top of all this, the second period on the IUD is approaching. I'm not exactly sure what to expect because the last time, I was spotting pretty regularly. This time, the body is more used to this copper, foreign object nestled inside me. However, I'm not exactly sure what to expect or when to expect it. For days now, my body has been feel like it has been preparing for the whole sha-bang, but I haven't had any results.

I just wish this was more of a regular occurrence now.

Another thing I want to do is go shopping. I really want to go shopping. There's a new perfume I want to sniff, there are stores I want to peek into and see if they have pretty sundresses out yet. Or loose shirts that I can wear with short shorts. Maybe this is what I've been saving all my money for.

Either way, I promised the boyfriend that I would wait to go shopping with him. Also, another reason to wait is that I'm working on sculpting my body. By the time I go shopping, I'm going to be a bit slimmer, probably. I shouldn't buy anything now when it won't fit later. I also want that bathing suit. It's red, with polkadots and super cute.

In the meantime, I will continue to do my exercises and yoga whilst watching the TV. Unless it stops snowing, then I'll be going to the gym before coming home and doing muscle stuff in the living room.

I guess, I'm out of things to talk about now. I just wish I was in a little more control of my life and where it's going right now.

Much Love,
Elie