Precipice

As usual, when one stands on the edge of a precipice, they feel something like fear and excitement combined. Especially when they look over the edge and down into the dark.

I've been procrastinating packing because, someplace deep in my heart, I feel like this is a turning point. That the moment I get on the plane there's no turning back.

Right now, I feel as if I'm standing on a knife's edge and I can fall either way. But I also know I can't stay where I'm at because standing on a blade is cutting my feet and making it harder and harder to stand at all.

Perhaps I can learn to fly?

I should be packing...

But I just want to lay on the floor and watch tv about aliens...

Hooray aliens!! Maybe I should get back into this... of course, that involves going into astrophysics...

I also have another goal. By the end of the next semester, I want to have a pass into GV's secret library. This is a good goal.

On a different note, I have twisty pins from goody and I'm going to be a pro with them.

I should go outside today... maybe I'll find a music store and beg them for a lesson. I really need to get back into something that will let me get all of my feelings out. I don't have horseback riding right now (which is one of the most therapeutic things I've ever done), and I don't have music which I could probably get into next semester if I take private lessons...

I think that's a good idea. The private lessons thing. I'll look into it when I come back. :)

I'm not sure if I'll be going outside today. Probably, but maybe a lot later. For now, I'm going to watch shows on aliens.

Love,
Elie

First Day Home

Today, I'll be running errands. There's some good deals at Victoria's secret and I need some hand sanitizer from Bath and Body Works.

It's going to be a nice day, I think. Very low-key and relaxing.

Just what I need after finals week.

Then, of couse, I'll be packing! As the days go by, I realize that it's getting closer and closer until I'm traveling halfway across the world.

I can't believe there's only 6 days left!

First day home

FINALLY! I am done. Done with everything! Passed my basic skills test! I'm still waiting on the writing part, but still. At least I got two out of three there! I'll know how I did on the writing bit a little later on.

However I've taken everything that my last week has thrown at me and punched it in the face!

Then I went to see the Hobbit.

It. Was. So. GOOD!! The below gif was me pretty much the whole time.

To those who say books that have been made into movies are pretty shallow (coughnickcough), I have to say that when they said they split the book into three parts, they weren't lying.

Now I know I haven't read the book in a while, so I'm guessing part 1 was pretty accurate. If they couldn't make it accurate in a three hour block, I don't know what might.

Either way, I can't wait until the next one.

There's also a ton of movies coming out this year that I know I'm definitely going to see.

Strangely enough, I got a ton of phone calls and text messages during the movie. I wonder why, when I'm busy, suddenly everyone wants to talk to me. I just had to make a few phone calls afterwards.

Now, after having a good day, I get to sit down and think about what happened to day at the elementary school in CT.

The only thing that keeps playing over and over in my head, is that school is supposed to be safe and that was violated by the shooting. Another thing that I've seen is a call for gun control. This has nothing to do with gun control. This has everything to do with sick people. If someone wants to shoot someone, they'll get ahold of a gun, despite all the restrictions that may or may not be placed on weapons.

However, thinking about it has killed the good mood I've accumulated all day. So I think I'll just watch Adventure Time and eat some cheese.

Love,
Elie

Finals are over!!

I'm a bit worn down from figuring out stuff for Gymboree. So tonight, I need to do laundry and purge my room. Then tomorrow I have more Gymboree training, Campus Dining, traveling home and studying for the basic skills test on Friday.

But let's face it. I'm going to sit on the couch and eat ice cream and put off everything I need to do until then. Maybe have a nice drink. I guess I've reached my limit of fucks and I just want some ibuprofen.

YOLO I suppose.

10 minutes until I get to finalize my schedule.

Love and peace.
Elie

Schedule

I wish my Gymboree boss would tell me my schedule already. It's stressing me out not knowing.

A story through pictures

Feeling better

An update on an update:

I'm feeling a lot better as I'm going to bed tonight. Looks like everything will be fine. As usual. :P

12 days until I'm off to the most wonderful guy!

I figure I should send an update out

You know, before my finals' week takes my life over.

First of all, I'd like to say how great a calendar is. I haven't realized how important having one in front of me is, but when I did my schedule, I realized that is where most of my stress was coming from. Because I didn't know when I had to do anything, it felt like I had to do it all at once.

Second of all, I still do have a lot of work to do, but since I'm staying at school (something I'll explain below) I will have time to finish studying and getting my papers done.

Okay, onto what has happened this past week.

Monday through Wednesday are a blur to be honest. Just finishing up assignments and ignoring what was waiting for me on Thursday.

Wait, that's a lie. I had some job training for Gymboree this Tuesday. It was a lot of fun, but I'm not exactly sure how to handle the little kids. That's a lie. I know how to handle little kids, but I'm not sure what is appropriate yet.

I guess I'm not how to teach children of that age.

However, it was interesting to see how they started to get bored with what was going on.

Little kids are strange, but a lot of fun.

Okay, besides that, fast forward to Thursday where I book a Gymboree training on top of my CoE advisor meeting. Guess which one I chose.

If you said CoE, you're right. Because, let's face it, my future as a teacher is more important than a job I'll probably end when I graduate.

My meeting went really great! My advisor is a pretty sweet person and on top of all of that we like the same types of books. So for the last ten minutes I gave her a list of authors she needed to check out and their books.

Something funny that happened that day. At the group advising session, I saw this girl who looked really familiar. We left before we could decide where we knew each other from. So later, I was thinking about it and I realized that we were in the same world children's literature class.

Then I felt sad because I would probably never see her again to tell her.

Guess who I saw in the CoE waiting room? That girl!

So we chatted until our advisors called us in.

Then leaving my advisor's room, I felt a little bit overwhelmed. I mean, I needed to take my basic skills test, get a TB test, and do a couple of other things until I get into the CoE. As I'm mulling this over, I wander to my car and look at the ground.

There sat two lucky pennies. Both heads up and everything. The firs thing that crossed my mind was: "Wow! This is going to be a great day!"

Then I get in my car.

Long story short, because anyone who's talked to me knows this already, my car would not go forward in drive, but would only go in reverse. So I backed into another parking spot and made a few calls.

Everyone who helped me out was actually really kind.

But it still sucked to not have a car. What sucked worse was that it was one of the reasons I was hired at Gymboree. I had a reliable vehicle and now that had blown up in my face.

However, time marches on and I found myself at home, frantically scrambling to reschedule training days with my boss at Gymboree. On top of that, I had to find a way home this weekend because I'm getting the IUD on Monday.

Without a car that would be hard to do. Even though both my dad and step-dad wouldn't have minded driving up to get me, I hate asking them to do that.

Well, this happens to be my weekend to work as well, so throughout the week I've been sending frantic emails out to try and get my shifts covered.

One girl, who I've always gotten a weird vibe from, said she'd take my Saturday shift. Which was great! However, she didn't sign a sub-slip and when I reminded her about she suddenly was busy.

Then for the Sunday shift, I had covered because I agreed to trade shifts with someone. That worked for about a day until I realized that my 6-9 overlapped with that and called it off.

So now the way it's looking is that I won't be able to go home until Sunday evening.

I suppose it's a good thing though. Because now I can break into Mak and steal a classroom for studying and writing a paper between working hours and Gymboree stuff.

Also, after my IUD on Monday, I hardly think I'll be fit to do a job well let alone take a final. I'd rather have enough time between final and the actual insertion to recover as much as I can (read: take really heavy painkillers) before having to go fail a final.

Anyway, back to my story. I finally get home and there's still a lot to do like go to my 6-9 and present to a group of people who don't care what I'm saying. It went well, and I got a couple of candy canes out of it. But I really really hate group presentations. I'd much rather have had to act out the right and wrongs of the usage of MI in schools than talk about it.

So after three hours of staring at a wall, we go home and by this time I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

How the hell am I going to do all this stuff?

In a way, it felt like I was being buried and there was nothing I could do about it. Or that I was in some pit and it was filling up with sand or water or whatever. Maybe oil, because you can't swim or stand on oil. Or like I was carrying this mountain and my knees were buckling.

I ate a fast dinner and ran up to my room to talk to the boyfriend. Usually he's good when I'm freaking out about something. I got a smug look and a "You shouldn't have picked up a second job right before finals." and then something like an "I told you so."

So helpful.

That's just what I needed.

So I took matters into my own hands and did the only thing I could do at that point. I started to cry. Because it hurt me that he was treating my predicament lightly, and because it was late and too late to do anything to make a dent in my work load and too late to get my car back, and too late to fix things so I could get a move on with job training.

I tried to be discreet, but that's not really my strong point. I think we both ignored the fact that I was crying and moved onto different topics. I had a feeling he didn't want to hear me complain about how busy my life was.

In between crying, I scheduled my Basic Skills test after freaking out a little about not being able to find a place to do it in time, and talked about non-consequential things with the boyfriend. We ended off on a slightly sour note because he called me a nag about food and I told him he was a jerk.

Then I went to bed. Let's face it, I was tired and worn out, and a bit disappointed with how the talk that was supposed to cheer me up went.

This morning, I woke up slowly. Like a sunrise over the mountains. You wait to make sure you're fully awake, but lay beneath the covers with your eyes closed trying to cling to the remnants of your dreams. I say it's like a sunrise over the mountains, because you don't really see the sun until it's over those snow-covered hills. The dew clings to the grass as if it could stay there forever.

But we know different. The sun always rises and burns it away.

After fully waking up, I laid there for a good hour or two. In all reality, I had so much to do that I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to deal with struggling over a schedule with Gymboree or figuring out disappointing news for Kleiner. I definitely didn't want to deal with dragging through psychology notes that only partially cover what will be on the test.

I think a few people called my phone, like my mom, and the car dealership, and my dad. None of that seemed more important than lying there and collecting my wits.

Then, slowly, I got myself together. I showered, learned about making a schedule, returned the calls, rescheduled things with Gymboree and got a ride to my car.

For lunch, I treated myself with pizza and finally got to hang out with Courage. Of course, we were studying the whole time, but it was nice to be in the same room with her and be able to chat every now and again between taking notes.

Hopefully next semester we'll see a bit more of each other... but probably not. Not with my three 400 level classes and jobs, and her 17 credits plus teacher assisting.

I think we have to cling to the moments we have with each other though, and enjoy them before they vanish. Because there is no doubt that they will leave you with nothing but your memories.

Anyway. I realized that I won't be able to see the Hobbit on the midnight release because I'll be sleeping to wake up early to get to my Basic Skills test.

However, I can see it on that friday when I've finished! You can bet your bottom dollar that is what I'll be doing! I know it'll be crowded and since I'll be east side, I'll probably be by myself, but I'm going to go.

Who knows? I might make some friends and we can geek out over everything.

Either way, I'm excited for next week to be over. During most of the waking hours of my life, I'm doing something. I think that Saturday, I'm going to do absolutely nothing but wander around my house pantsless.

Oh I forgot! During finals week I have to pack as much as I can, or at least bring home EVERYTHING so I know I won't forget anything when I go see the boyfriend.

On a final note, I'm planning on being busy this summer. I want to take up piano again because, if there's going to be a piano in the house, someone has to know how to play it. I also am going to learn how to shoot a gun with fair accuracy and take a physics course.

Since it's the summer, it shouldn't be as stressful as shit is here. In fact, everything will be for good fun. Maybe I'll be able to get into the church on decent hours, or a church or some place, and use their pianos for practice. It'll help me get over my fear of failing in front of people in any case.

So there you have it. A fairly accurate update of what went down this past week up until this point in time. You even got some thoughts for the future.

I have to go review some stuff before finishing off what I wanted to study for the night.
Love and Peace
Elie

Tea

There's nothing that a good cup of tea can't cure. I'm so glad my collection is growing because now I have some tea for almost every occasion. Soon, I'd like some tea for every occasion.

Tonight, I'm going to try a warm milk recipe. I know I need a few more spices to make it just right, but I'll make do with what I have.

I think, with Finals week approaching and with all the work I need to get done, I'm getting a bit lonely because I don't really get to socialize with people. At least if I do a study party with someone, there'll be someone in the room. However, I've earned myself the reputation of a talker when I study with someone, so I understand how people are mysteriously busy when I ask.

It's probably for the better. I do get a lot done when I'm on my own.

I should go get my phone now and prepare for bed. I have to be up early tomorrow for my first training day at Gymboree!

Wish me luck!

Love
Elie

Evening

Well it's Sunday and I've gotten everything done that needs to have been done. Of course, this upcoming week isn't going to be much better, work wise, but at least it'll be stuff I know how to do.

So for tonight, I'll be working on my project and making my room a bit more organized. After my stressful week, I'll be taking my night off. :)

Then, finally, I have less than 18 days until I'm off on a plane to Japan! As usual, I'm really nervous, but I think it'll be alright.

I can't wait to, FINALLY, be together with the boyfriend again. As it gets closer, the antsier I get. I just want to be with him NOW. Not in 18 days.

Then again, I have to get finals and such over.

Ugh.

Alright, I just wanted to update you all. I'm off to complete my day off by the aforementioned plan.

Love and Peace
Elie

Two things

Amanda: I want a story from you about you and your beau. Also, I'm sorry about your stress and what your mom said. I'm sure things will get better after finals. If you need a study buddy, just text me your location and I'll show up with my multitude of shit to do.

The rest of you:

I finished reading the first book of the Hunger Games trilogy today. So now, I'm going to stay up and watch the movie. It's just the first few scenes and already I want to go and practice archery. I wish I had a professional to show me what I need to work on.

Anyway, the movie was done really well. Sure they left out a few characters/slightly changed some scenes. But they did it in a way that was true to the book and the world that was created. It's very good.

I actually might buy the movies to match the books. They're the kinds of movies I can watch many times without getting bored. Or the first one is in any case.

Something else regarding this series, Megan calls me Katniss sometimes. I find I like the comparison, even if I don't think it's that accurate.

Man, this day is weighing on me and it's hardly over. My body is sore with fatigue. It's one of those nights where I wish someone would take me by the hand and tuck me into bed, shushing me when I mumble about getting work done.

I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that no one is here.

Tomorrow I'll be up early again. I have my first day of job training at Gymboree. Then I get to come home and nap or try some walking test runs with my pipe cleaner people and their sticky tack shoes.

Perhaps that is my creative outlet. Not only do I get to write, but I get to create as well. Of course, I can't say exactly what right now. That would give away the boyfriend's Christmas gift. However,  my project has turned my room into a studio of sorts.

There's no way I'll be getting anything done in there unless it's about my project. I think, if I get a bit done each day, it'll be done in time. :)

Anyways, after my small break, I'll be taking my step-dad to visit the dorms that I might be living in next year.

Oh! I almost forgot!

I went to a meeting today about getting into the college of ed. I'm completely terrified, but tomorrow morning, I need to call up and make an appointment with my advisor.

Hopefully everything will turn out all right. I'm too out of it to really be worried right now. Maybe it'll hit me when I wake up and I'll do my freaking out then.

Or not. I feel like I'm at my limit with this stress thing. My face is even breaking out like nobody's  business. I know I should be exercising, because that really helps with stress level and complexion. But when I have free time, I only want to work on my project or read.

Some other thoughts. I'm thinking of dropping Campus Dining to try and go for a writing 150 tutoring job at the tutoring center. I'll go and ask them sometime next week. In between my CoE appointment and everything else I need to do.

Alright. I'm going to go watch my movie and brainstorm about how I'm going to write this effing paper.

I'm sorry Nick, I don't know how you stand writing psychology papers and designing experiments.

Love and Peace
Elie

First time

This is the first night I'll be staying up late to complete a project. I got my cup of coffee and I'm ready to roll. I just wish I had more time in my waking hours to get everything I need to done.

Stuff to do

I have so much to do. So I'm sitting on the couch watching a special on the black plague. Actually, I need to write a paper in french so I can take it to my tutor tomorrow and get it perfect. It looks like I'll be turning 3 essays in tomorrow because, apparently, the due dates in my head were off by a week.

So that is what I'll be doing tonight. I also need to find sticky tack, which I should be getting on Thursday, but I'd like to make a move on with my project sooner rather than later.

This weekend, I have Yule fest which I am playing at, but I will also be studying in between performances. I plan to get ahead in psych slides and get that paper finished. In fact, I'll probably not being thinking of anything BUT perception on Friday. Well, perception and then my project. Perhaps I'll alternate working on them by the hour. At least, it'll be a schedule to follow.

As always, and more on the forefront of my mind because it's getting closer, I'm counting down the day until I'm boarding a plane. Each day that goes by, I get more and more excited. I can't wait!

Well, I'm off to write a memory of mine in french. I'll drag it kicking and screaming if I have to.

Love and Peace
Elie

SO FREAKING AMAZING

WHO'S AMAZING?!

THIS GIRL!

WHY?

I'LL SHOW YOU AFTER CHRISTMAS!

Irritating people

So, today has been filled with irritating people. In two of my classes, I had the unfortunate opportunity to work with them.

You see, I'm normally pretty chill with all types of people. If you want to be leader, step up and be leader and I'll happily follow along. If you want a leader, I'll step up.

However, if you want to be a leader and don't know what the fuck you are doing, you should figure that out before trying to lead a bunch of people blindly.

In my ed class, we were doing a debate. Not that I'm an expert on debate, but I did take a class that was centered around it. I know how the flow goes. Then our "coach," one of my class mates tries to direct everyone, but sends us around in circles. Not only that, but she cops an attitude with people, like the professor and myself, who try and say "no, it's supposed to be done this way" and then turns around and tells my peers what was just told to her, like it was her idea.

Super frustrating.

Then, in science, a girl in my group is a lot like that. I can't count the times I've wanted to bang my head against the wall because she had us running in circles instead of actually reading the instructions!

On a more positive note, my science teacher is going to have a baby! Hooray! Also, I got more materials for my amazing project.

So all in all, it wasn't a bad day. It just had some frustrating points.

Love and Peace
Elie

Night time

Nights are always the hardest.

Winding Down

Well, Thanksgiving break is coming to an end.

It started out really shaky, but you know, all things considered, it was pretty great.

The first great thing that happened was I got to see my mom for almost 3 whole days! I know it doesn't sound like much, but seeing as how I hardly ever get to see her, it was really great.

Then we went to see the big family for thanksgiving. I actually got to catch up with a lot of cousins and spent most of the evening talking to one of my aunts. Every time I go and see them all, it gets easier and easier to talk to them. My mom was also allowed to come. It was good to see her there with her family.

We also booked my flight to Japan! Whenever I think about it, I get really excited and nervous at the same time. It'll be my first time flying so there's all those concerns, but there's some part of me that's nervous about seeing my boyfriend for the first time, in the flesh, after four long months.

I also got to see my Dad a lot. I've seen him almost every day that I've been home. We're even going out to eat tonight. Tomorrow, I'll be going to breakfast with George before heading back to school for work and getting stuff done.

Throughout the weekend, I got to spend a lot of time with the old dog and the small cat. They're both doing well, if a little lazy.

That's one thing I didn't get done this weekend. I did not get any school work. I guess, this upcoming week I'm not going to give myself free time. It'll be work work work until I'm all caught up.

Look, I say that now, but I probably wont.

Another thing that I have been behind on is NaNoWriMo. I will finish it by the 30th of November, but that will be after nights and nights of just typing when I'm done with schoolwork for that night.

I'm so behind it's really bad.

However, I needed this break to just relax and re-center myself to be able to do great work.

When I go back to school, it'll be a tough 3 weeks before I can just not worry about anything but work and packing to go travel.

I'll get through it.

Love and Peace
Elie

Should be an early night

Earlier today we washed the dog in the big open shower. She was not amused but took it like a boss. Now she is clean, looks like a black lamb, and smells like my shampoo.

As usual, the black dog is adorable.

This should be an early night... but, I just don't want to go to sleep. I'm enjoying this show too much. Plus, I'm snowballing again (I've decided to coin that phrase to mean over thinking things out of proportion) and I don't want to drag Nick through the mud on this.

Especially when I'm so back and forth.

The poor guy deserves a break.

I think I'll just have a glass of wine and hate myself later or when I'm properly intoxicated.

As if I'll get shit faced tonight. I have to get up early so I'll be able to get finish doing my hair in time for the big family Thanksgiving Day get together.

Either way, tomorrow will be interesting. At least I get to see the Daddy-o and Nika at the end of it all.

Lots of posts today, but this one's a good one, sort of.

I discovered something about myself.

I snowball shit when I'm left alone to think about it. And it's not like "Oh it's raining. I guess I'll figure out stuff to do inside."

No. It's like a progress:

Hour 1: "Oh it's raining that's great." Heavily implied sarcasm

Hour 2: "It's still raining and the sky is dark. I wonder if it will let up any time soon. I miss the sun." Slight feeling of depression, nothing a cup of tea can't fix

Hour 3: Here is where if all goes downhill: "It's fucking raining outside. How the hell am I going to go do what I need to do if it's raining? I'll get wet, it won't even be worth going outside because everything I wear will be ruined. My hair, my make up, my clothes will be wet, I'll get rain in my eyes, and the bottoms of my pants are all wet."

Hour 4: Mug of tea doesn't work. Depression has kicked in and I'm laying in the middle of the floor hating life and everything to do with water, then hating myself for feeling that way.

It just gets worse and worse after that. And obviously, rain was just an example, but I think it does my point justice.

Anyways, it's even worse if I don't have anyone to cuddle with. Physical touch always cheers me up/makes me feel connected and slightly better. Don't know why, but it really works.

Dude, when left alone with something bothering me, give me enough time and I'm more emo than Cloud at the beginning of Advent Children. I swear, you can almost see the colors of my clothes and hair fading to black and straightening themselves. If left with enough time, I bet my eyes would be able to generate copious amounts of dark eyeliner. Then sad music plays in the background over the sound of rain falling.

It gets that bad.

The worst part is, I do it all to myself. It's all in my head.

However, now that I know this about myself, I know exactly what I need to manage to help minimize damage in my relationships. I know this is a part of me that I'll never be able to stomp out.

Hell, I'm one of the most high-strung, over thinking people I know. It's part of what helps me see details really well and make accurate judgements. However, it's detrimental when I'm left up to my own devices with a little bit of information and a free rein.

But it's good that I know this about myself. I know what I need to work on.

Another thing that I've learned, or that has been more imprinted in my mind, is my need to touch and be touched. Especially when dealing with difficult things or having serious conversations. It makes me feel more connected to the person I'm talking with and it helps calm me down or hype me up. I use the other person as a rock for my emotions.

For example, I love talking to my boyfriend about serious things when we're cuddling. He's always so calm about stuff that it keeps me calm, even if part of me wants to freak. I really love that about him.

So yeah. I guess those lyrics to that song is true.

"Out of storm comes strength for tomorrow"

Out of the pain I caused myself, I found new truths. By finding new truths, I feel stronger. Or at least armed and dangerous.

A couple of other things I'd like to talk about that aren't that important. The first is pain.

I have this idea that pain is all in our heads. It's created by us. External pain and internal pain. However, I'm still trying to decide if it's a good idea to shut that off or not. Probably not, but maybe in some situations...

Secondly, and lastly, my old dog.

She's old, and skinny, and smelly. But I love her. I'm a bit worried because she's not eating a lot and she doesn't like to move around much, but she's still up and alert, so I guess I'll push my worries away for now. In this case I must live in the present.

Speaking of that, I need to update my NaNoWriMo word quota.

Love and peace
Elie

words

How do you say something, when the words you want to use have been said over and over again? Said too much so they lose their meanings and lie limp on your tongue? Words upon words. Different letters, same useless meaning.

Especially the important ones like I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry? And every synonym for them?

How do you breathe life into them again?

Conflict

I'm so full of conflict right now. I hate myself, I hate this situation.

I hate you for putting me here, for not telling me sooner. For, by trying to make it seem like not a big deal, turned it into a big deal.

I hate myself for over reacting. For not keeping my emotions in check. For over thinking. For feeling like this. For making a small thing into such a big deal.  

But I love you. 

You tell me to stop worrying. 

You should know better.

I'm sorry. 

It's strange how a song I've hated for long finally makes sense. 

Replies

Amanda, I have a response to your comment under the cut.

Today is fairly busy. I have class and then tons of cleaning and packing to do before work. I've heard that I'll be doing a lot of cleaning since it's the day before the place is closed for break. I don't mind though. Hopefully we won't be really busy because every one has already gone home.

Freshmen do that right? They go home early?

Some other news, there is a wedding on the horizon! I don't know when, but I'm super excited. I got the perfect lipstick. Now all I have to do is find the perfect dress and shoes. Maybe I'll keep my eye out for that in March when the boyfriend and I go shopping together. :)

Alright, I've been putting off this assignment too much. I still need to get ready for class.

Love and Peace!
Elie

P.S. Amanda, your reply is waiting for you.

Sunshine

Okay, I know I have a lot of work to do. Trust me.

However.

Watching the history channel talk about evil men of history and curling my hair is a lot more fun. Here is a picture of me and my new hair style:

I really like it. Though maybe it's for a day when I'm not wearing sweats all day. :P

Calligula is one crazy bastard by the way. I'm glad I'm not living in ancient roman times. Actually, I think I'd like to live in ancient Greece, or Sparta.

Oh! There's a whole special on Calligula! 1500 days of TERROR!!

We're gonna be experts on this guy when this day is over.

Now I'm sitting here practicing the fishtail braid on Gretchen as the curls in my hair fall out. Today promises to be a lazy day.

... I'll just get everything done during Thanksgiving break. I mean, a couple of hours a day can't be too painful right?

Well I'm off to get this damn thing right and learn about a famous psychopath.

Love and Peace

P.S. Google plus is better than skype imho.

Gif set

I slept all day today. Quite literally.

... not sure how I feel about that.

I hope tomorrow I'm more productive. Maybe I won't pump iron and just run around a bit so I'm not so tired when I get back. I'll also be bringing my nook to make running to nowhere a bit more interesting. I also might have a test on Monday that I need to prepare for.

Bring it on Sunday.

Not exactly happy...

I'm not exactly happy right now. Part of me feels like the boyfriend doesn't want to put in the work for this relationship. But he doesn't understand when I tell him that because he wants me to tell him specific things to do and I can't. So we're at an impasse there.

Besides, if I tell him what I want him to do, he's going to do that. But then, will he be doing that because he knows it makes me happy and he wants to do it because it makes me happy, or will he be doing it just to placate me? 

I think that's why the letter writing thing bothered me so much. He clearly doesn't like to do it, and now I feel like, whenever he writes me, he's just doing it to pacify me. Not because he wants to make me happy. 

Now, I don't even want to do this letter thing anymore. Not when there isn't anything behind it.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really miss me. I mean, he probably does, but he never tells me, or does anything to show me that. How else am I supposed to know how he's feeling if he doesn't tell me? He can't touch me, which is what I'd prefer, but since we can't do that and since I'm not getting any affirmations from him, I'm feeling a bit lost and lonely. I feel like I'm putting a lot more emotion and heart into this than he is. Or that he doesn't care as much as I do about us.

Maybe I'm nit-picking because of the distance. Part of me feels like he's getting sick of my insecure shit. But, I feel like I'm left in the dark about how he feels about me and how he feels about being separate. I feel like I'm alone in missing him, and because of that, I feel a bit foolish for missing him as much as I do. Why should I miss him as much as I do, when, I feel, as if I've just become a passing thought in his mind. Something he easily pushes away and doesn't care about. 

I'm afraid that if I leave off, or repress my feelings for him so I can live without this constant reminder of him, I'm going fall out of love. That would suck for everyone. 

Also, I have a lot of reservations about going to see him this winter. I mean, what if he's not the person I've been missing all this time. Or vice versa. What if this is just an exercise of frustration? I'm also nervous about going to Comiket. I mean, I'm so completely not in the anime world. Part of me is afraid he'll see just how out of place I am and not like that at all. Or, as he's wrapped in his "promised land," I'll just be shunted to the wayside. 

Maybe I'm over thinking this too much. 

Hopefully, these thoughts will be pushed aside as school picks up for finals or what not. Or better yet, resolved. For the latter, I have to think of exactly what I want to say and how to spell it out so  I don't just give my bad mood to him. Lord knows he has a lot more than I do to deal with. 

Love and Peace,

Elie

Friday

I had a couple of weird dreams last night. It didn't really start my day off well.

Then, in my new book, one character whose decisions I've been on par with through the series so far, has just tortured a guy. 

It's like. Dear goodness woman. Get your shit together. This series is like a futuristic Lord of the Flies... except without the dead pig's head. And every side has a valid point about what's going on. Though Kieran has gone 'round the twist with wanting to keep control. It's one of those books that you have to put down every now and again just to digest what is happening. Curse good authors and their wonderful writings.

Yesterday, at the gym, I tried one of those weight lifting machines. Now my pecs are really really sore. Maybe that's another reason why I just want to lay around all day. I'll probably take a day off from working out this week and just do some stretches and easy going home stuff. 

The more I do it, the more I realize this exercise stuff is fun. I mean, it's hard, but it's fun. 

I just wish I had this attitude about school. 

More Dreams

Sometimes, I have dreams that make references to other dreams.

Last night, I had a couple of dreams. One was where I was in a hardware store and stumbled across Shawn and Joe. That one was a bit blurry because I've had a few dreams where that's happened.

Then it changed that I was on a road trip with Green. We didn't follow the GPS but ended up taking a road parallel to the one we were supposed to take. It was like, there was a road on top of a cliff, a straight vertical drop down, and then a road along a sandy beach. I was in Green's jeep on that road.

We drove for a bit before she pulled off to the side and we sat in the car, in the sand, and looked back at the houses that lined up behind us.

"I've been here before." I told her. She nodded. "That's the house we broke into."

And indeed, just like in the past dream I had about the place, was the river, and the house. It was white, with an arch over the doorway and carefully sculpted pillars. Though the last time I had been there, it was night.

Then it changed and I was running late to meet the boyfriend. I took a wrong turn and found myself in some underground tunnels, following a GPS in the cap of a sharpie I was carrying. It seemed to lead me into these underground tunnels of a mall that stretched to the coast where I was, all the way to Grand Rapids. As I backed out to find the way I came out of, I found super models on the stairway, looking as lost as I was.

Somehow, I became the leader of a small, rag tag group of really unhelpful people.

We tried to go up the stairs, but a gate was locked. We tried to go down some stairs to get to the way I had come in, but there was a locked gate on those too. We were stuck on the landing with only one door to go through. Slowly, I opened the door into some grody looking alley way. As one, we agreed not to go that way.

Then I woke up.

I'd look everything up, but I need to finish this book before class.

Love and Peace.
Elie

Stress

I think now until finals I'm just going to want to put a gun in my mouth and get it all over with.

I can't handle how difficult planned parenthood is making this for me. "You need to come in on your period." "Well I'm on my period now..." "Oh, we're all booked up." So I call back later. "I'd like to make an appointment for December when I'm on my period." "Well you have to call when you're on your period." "Last time I did that you were booked." "Well call early."

I'm over being done with them.

Then school. I don't really have any more to say about that.

Work. I am actually starting to like my job, and like the money they pay me. However, I want to do Gymboree too. Maybe there's a way to do both? I dunno. I'll wait and see what she says before trying to work all that in.

NaNoWriMo and letters to the boyfriend. How can I write all that when I need to bust my ass every other day? I need to write around 2,500 words today just to stay on top of things because I just can't write on Wednesdays. I also need to write to the boyfriend because he's that important to me and getting letters is fun.

Right now, a bit of me feels like I'm being swept out to sea without a boat. How am I going to float without anything? Can't I ever get a log or floaties or something?! An inner-tube? Floaties? Something to hold onto?

Of course, this could just be God saying I need to learn to swim better and teaching me by kicking me into a raging sea.

Ugh.

I'm going to go finish some homework and study for a test now.

Love and Peace
Elie

Lies

The line “A man should never be worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry” is a lie. I’ve cried more than I’d like to admit with the boyfriend, but in the end we always work it out. The fact of the matter is that you’re going to cry about things “the man who is worth your tears” does or says. Why? Because boys say and do things that will hurt you without thinking about it. However, what’s important is the fact that you guys work it out and feel a lot better after you cry.

The second lie is the belief in true love and the fact that the world turns around one person and there’s only one person out there for you. That’s not true at all! In fact, with so many people in the world the chances that there is one person that you’re destined to spend the rest of your life with are so small that it’s nearly impossible to think that you’ll find that person.

In fact. It’s more probably that you will encounter multiple people with whom you would have a great, wonderful, and happy life with.

The magic isn’t in finding that “one.” The magic is finding someone that makes you happy, that you fall in love with, and that makes you think “Well, I think I can actually stand this person for the rest of my life.” And then you work on it. The magic comes from the tears that are wiped away after a fight. The magic comes from building the shed in the backyard and smiling at each other as you wipe sweat off your forehead with your t-shirt. The magic comes from watching your partner fall asleep and thinking they’re adorable.

The magic isn’t that swooping feeling you get when you’re frolicking through fields of flowers, cut off from the rest of the world because all you see is each other. Because, that type of frivolous love wears out. What the magic of “true love” is, is the fact that you get messy. Mascara running down your cheeks, eyes bright with anger, voices hoarse from screaming at each other across a room, sort of messy. The magic is that, after all that, you still come back together. You still trust, love, and respect each other. That you work hard to make sure that love, trust, and respect stays as strong as it did when you first met. That it grows into something stable and something you can lean on.

That’s what true love is. It has the ability to tear you to pieces while lifting you up at the same time. It’s not the lies told by Disney and every other romance movie or story that you’ll meet that person destined to be yours. It’s about finding a person who you could stand to be with for the rest of your life and then working on turning that into the romantic relationship that all the stories want us to believe exists without the gritty, hard work that that type of love requires.

Thoughts?

Birth Control

The process for getting an IUD fucking sucks. I just either want to do it now and get it over with, or just tear my uterus out.

I am so done with this.

Strangley enough, I get sick to my stomach if there's a lot of different noises at the same time.

NaNoWriMo

So, I know I haven't been on lately. I do know I have been incredibly stressed due to school and issues with the beau. I don't really want to go into it, but this whole experience has shown me what some deal breakers are and has also alighted the issue of what happens when I hold my stress in my shoulders.

I get tense. That's what happens.

Then a masseuse has to kneed my skin to the point where I'm sore the next day to clear anything up.

But, you all know how life is. It's stressful. I guess my poor shoulders will just have to deal.

Anyway, that was a small update on why I've been away. This here, what I'm writing about next, is a small update about why there won't be much of me on here in November.

I am going to do National November Writing Month.

For those of you who don't know what that is, that is a month where one attempts to write 50,000 words throughout the course of November.

My novel is going to be a story of made up of short stories. Some will be on the "main course" and some will be on completely different tangents that don't seem to have anything to do with the story except for the fact that they're in the same general area that the story is taking place in.

I'm sort of excited for it, and I know it's going to take a lot of my time up. But, I mean, that's good. Especially when the only things I'm doing really, are work and school.

Perhaps I've found my "thing," my niche. Perhaps I'm a writer, and perhaps I'm a rider. Maybe both.

Either way, I'm excited for the near future.

I'm off to study now! Love and Peace!
Elie

I need to find a purpose

something to throw my entire self into.

New habits forming

This week will be different. This week, I'll actually sit down and get my shit DONE.

I know I say that every week, but I really need to turn myself around so I'm really going to follow through with this. If I don't, grades will sink, I'll get depressed, and the world will end. So it really is just better to get disciplined and do this.

Also, I've found a new project and that is drawing. Just like Chelsea (you should check out her blogs, I'm following most of them), but I'll never be as good as her. I'd just like my doodles to not suck and something to do with my hands when I'm bored. Especially in class when my psych prof keeps going on and I've been lost completely in a sea of things I can just read the book for.

Finally, the boyfriend and I are acting like an old married couple already. We got in an argument about finances. You see, I want horses and our job choices don't exactly pay the best. However, combined, I think we'd be able to live a pretty decent life. Especially if we board out some stalls and budget accordingly. Even with kids.

I'm really happy that he's thinking about the future with me and that we can argue openly over stuff like this. Because he's so serious about stuff like this, he balances me out when it comes to me making emotional decisions.

Uh... what else can I update you on... Oh! I get to see my mom before Thanksgiving! She's coming up next Friday! Which is amazing, but it'll make it that much harder to leave Friday night.  Why does work have to get in the way of everything? Oh well, more money more me and Japan.

Something else that is really interesting, is that I have been meditating a lot and I'm slowly seeing a difference in myself. I feel a lot calmer and a lot less stressed after I quiet my mind for a little bit. Finally, things seem to be falling into place. Even if school doesn't let up until a break.

I'm off to study for Psych. I was going to do science, but I feel like it's one of those subjects that you either know or don't. It's not something you can really study for if you get my drift.

Love and Peace!
Elie

Positivity

Things are looking up. I've learned a few things these past few days.

The first: I'm not the one messing up my register. I know this because yesterday, when I was the only one using it, I was spot on. Not off by anything. Which tells me that it's one of the other gazillion people who use my register when I can't.

The second: The beau and I made up. It was very nice and I miss him tons... as usual. Thankfully time keeps on moving forward so slowly, I'm being ushered into his arms.

The third: I got my hair trimmed again and bought some of this oil stuff that keeps it soft and conditioned. I'm not sure if my hair is soft today because of that, or because of the deep moisturizer I used today. I'll just have to keep experimenting.

The fourth: I got to see Courage and meet her beau FINALLY. He's really nice. Not my taste, but perfect for her. I'm glad they're really happy together. But poor Kara. She's not so excited. However, she'll understand the need to spend every spare minute you have with this person when she gets her own boyfriend.

I'm not sure what else to say. But I'm really glad things are starting to look up. Maybe this week won't suck so much.

Love and Peace
Elie

Proper Update

I suppose I should give all of you a proper update seeing as how I haven't been doing that lately, and how I have the time right now.

Things are alright enough. I mean, I'm recovering from a pretty stressful week.

It was stressful in the fact that I didn't get to sleep much and felt like I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. A lot of that had to do with the fact that it took me forever to fall asleep and I kept waking up early. Getting roughly four hours of sleep a night. Maybe a little more or less. I wasn't exactly keeping track.

Well, apparently, I am one of those people that needs to sleep nightly. I sort of turned neurotic and crazy. Thank God for the types of people my friends are. They're so patient. Even when I'm just a hot mess they shake it off and continue to me there.

This weekend was really nice even though it was busy. I didn't start off this week as strong as I'd have liked to due to being busy and such a procrastinator, but I think it'll be a lot better than last week. Even if I do have to work this weekend.

Looking forward, I know I have to work three weekends in a row, but I need the money. I'm very frustrated with Kleiner at the moment, but I really need the money so I'll get through it. Hopefully I'll get to the end of this semester with just a few cuts and scrapes. Nothing like getting fired from your job or failing a class to put a damper on the holiday spirits.

Speaking of holidays, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I'm surprised at how fast the months are going by. It's strange because it feels like the days are inching by, but when the week is through, it feels like the end came very fast. Hopefully, this doesn't happen in Japan. I want the days to go by as slow as possible so I can enjoy every minute I have with the boyfriend.

Tonight is going to be busy-ish. I mean, I have to come home after my 6-9 and write a french paper and journal. Then tomorrow and Wednesday will be a lot easier because I'll have more time to get things done and unwind. Anyway you look at it, this week is certainly looking up.

Alright, I'm going to go figure out what I want to make for dinner.
Much Love!
Elie

Sleep

It's amazing how much a little sleep can do for a person. Like a good night's rest.

On a different, but slightly related note, I love my boyfriend!!

Quick update

Hey my wonderful readers!

A couple of things.

1. When I post comments on your blogger blogs, they just disappear. So I don't know if you need to check your comments sections to see them or if there's something wrong with my computer.

2. There's a Ren Faire at school this weekend that I'm drumming in! If you're in the area please come check it out!

3. I cleaned my room! It doesn't sound like a big deal, but I'm always amazed at how much better I feel once it's done.

That is all!

Love and Peace
Elie

Feeling Down

I'm feeling a little down today, and I'm not really sure why.

Maybe because it's rainy, maybe because I'm tired, maybe because Rick broke my heart with his latest book, maybe because I miss the boyfriend.

That's too many maybes for me, and none of them change the fact that I feel so "ugh."

Oh well, hopefully this will clear up soon.

Love,
Elle

MY LIFE JUST ENDED

SERIOUSLY, WHY DO AUTHORS LOVE TO PUNISH THEIR READERS!

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME RICK?! I TRUSTED YOU! I PUT MY HEART IN YOUR HANDS AND TRUSTED YOU WOULDN'T STOP ON IT AND TURN IT INTO LITTLE BITS OF DUST AFTER GIVING IT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS.

THIS IS BULLSHIT. BECAUSE OF YOU, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE MY LIFE ANYMORE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION?!

I HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE GODDAMNED YEAR UNTIL I GET THE NEXT BIT OF THIS LONG ASS STORY.

FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME LOVE YOUR WORK SO MUCH.

I'm going to bed.

It's been a while, but I'm procrastinating homework.

So you get an update!

Hooray!

This post is going to seem a bit scattered because I've only gotten four hours of sleep last night.

I've actually been busy with school and work so there wasn't much to update about besides "Oh I'm off to work and I still have this this and this to do."

On a different note, I'm getting really sick and tired of some of my friends' shit. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to sit back and allow them to treat me like I'm just an acquaintance. If I wanted that, I'd go and hang out with acquaintances.

Today at work, early in the morning, a young woman came into the C-store, looked me in the eye and asked "Is this place open."

I must admit, the look I gave her wasn't the kindest. To my defense, it was about 7:45 in the morning and the only thing that was running through my mind was "If we weren't open would you have been able to walk through the door? If we weren't open, would you be seeing me, standing here behind the counter, dressed as I am (hat, gray campus dining shirt, apron, nametag, black pants, etc.) staring at you? What do you think?"

Not one of my finer moments. I did feel bad about it after I handed her her drink and watched her walk away. After that I was a lot nicer to my customers.

After work,  I wandered home and happily took a shower.

Now I'm sitting in an empty room in Mackinac. It's the perfect place to do hw because there's no one there and no one else is crazy enough to come to school on the weekend, unless they're language students.

After this blog I'll be productive. I promise.

Actually, the real reason I'm writing is because I'm feeling selfish again and writing about it makes me feel a little better. I'm feeling a little lonely because I talked to my beau and I can't stand the thought that I still have three entire months before I get to touch him again. There are so many times in skype where we talk, I just want to reach through the computer screen and touch his face.

This distance thing is really hard you guys. I don't think I've ever done something so constantly exhausting and heart breaking. I feel selfish for a lot of it too. For whispered wishes in the night that he'd come home and for complaining about all this to you.

Sometimes I wish I were stronger so I could get through this without this aching feeling in the pit of my heart. There are moments when I can push it out of the way and forget about it, but it always grows back.

I'm not sure how I can do this. I guess I'll just have to put myself in God's hands.

*sigh* Letting go like that is really hard though.

Anyways, I do need to get to work.

Thanks for listening.
Love and Peace
Elle

Mornings

Contrary to popular belief, I really like mornings. The house is quiet because no one is awake or they're gone off to class or work. The sun is shining through the cracks in my curtain with soft rays of gold.

I feel my best in the morning. I also am my happiest in the morning. I'm not yet run down and done with people, school, or my life. I'm content.

You know, until I realize I have a lot of stuff to do, and then that peace turns into a groggy mess.

This weekend has been the epitome of lazy so far. I mean, I'm off to work, but before that, I've been mailing letters, sleeping, and watching Adventure Time.

I'm not looking forward to work today because we're going to be super busy. I mean, busy is good because it makes the time go by a lot faster, but damn. I hate making drinks when there's a line of drinks. I always get flustered and then spill everything or burn myself with the milk wands.

Hopefully the four hours will go by faster and I'll be able to come home and get some chapters of studying done. If there's anything I need to do, it's get caught up in my classes.

Welp, I'm off to the ol' job now!

Love and peace
Elle

Lazy Friday

I got up and talked to my man this morning. It was a really nice beginning, though he was really tired.

The rest of the day was nice and lazy. Exactly what I needed. I went to marshalls and got black pants, legit black pants. Not yoga pants, not black jeans. Black pants. In fact, I think they're a bit like skinny jeans, except for the jeans part. So I feel as if I'm defying the rules a little by wearing them.

Then I went to the fabric store and couldn't find anything that I liked so I came home. Well actually, I ordered a pizza and came home and that was my big meal for the day. Then I watched Adventure Time and promptly passed out for around 4 hours.

It's weird that I've been sleeping so much lately, but I guess that means I really need it. Or the rain is making me sleepy. It might be both. In either case, and in the causes of my slip-ups at work, I've learned that I shouldn't take on so many extra shifts. I'm going to stop that actually and just stick to the schedule. The extra money is nice, but when I don't have enough time for me or to wind down and get my thoughts together, I'm no good to anyone.

In other news, I'm having a hard time figuring out what to write to Neal. I have no idea actually. Maybe I'll just paint a picture and send that to him. But then I don't even know what to paint. I just need to practice more and look at some water color paintings. I think the trick is to use the white paper as much as you use the paints, but I'm just not sure how to do that yet.

It'll all work out.

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with a friend and have work, but I also need to get a lot of studying done before the start of the next week. In those classes, I am hopelessly unprepared.

Either way, the rest of tonight is for me.

Love and Peace
Elle

Ugh. Ughughugh.

So I got another write up today at work. For a small mistake on my cash sheet.

Ugh. It's my second one so if I get another write up for something, small or not, I'm out of there.

The worst part is, they're like stupid little mistakes that I did because I wasn't paying attention. I think I was just so tired and wanting to get out of there that I just rushed through it. It reminds me of a line in a book where the main character runs into a chimney because he's so distracted. That's how I'm feeling right now.

Like I've run into a chimney.

Now I'm super worried that I'm going to make another dumb mistake and lose my job.

I can't lose this job. I need the money to get to Japan.

I just need to keep my head on from now on. I'm just so mad at myself for my lack of meticulousness. I'll get over it and do better next time.

Ugh

I hate not having enough time to talk. It always makes me feel a little lonely and hollow.

Today was pretty good. I was able to sleep in so I don't feel as worn out as I did yesterday. Unfortunately, now I have to go through my psych text and lecture notes because our first test is Monday.

A couple of interesting things that happened today are (1) it hailed and (2) I was stopped by a train with 134 cars! I felt like a little kid as I wiggled in my seat to the radio and counted the cars out loud.

All that's left for today is work from 4-8 and then starting to create psych notes so I can start to prepare for the test.

I know this is a really short post, but I'm running late and don't have much to say anyway.

Love and Peace
Elle

Music

Know how music can change your mood and affect you for the rest of the week? Like how you just listen to one song and then it affects everything you do? Last week was kind of sad. I listened to Rascal Flatts' song Wake Me Up.

It's so good, but it makes me sort of depressed. So now I'm listening to Knee Deep by Zac Brown Band and it's really nice. Sort of springy.

Today started out rough. I have to tell you. I didn't end up going to sleep until 2 or 3 am and then I had to get up again at 7. Sort got a glare from the teacher as I listened to his lecture for the first half hour with my eyes closed. Good thing I can wake up around 10.

Class was great and the quiz we took wasn't that bad. It even let us get out an hour early which was perfect! I headed straight home and slept.

At first I was only going to sleep for an hour, but my room was warm and I was tired so I allowed myself a couple more hours before getting up, doing homework, and now blogging to you. The rest of the day will be taken up with classes. I have a quiz in science, which shouldn't be too bad, and then three hours of psychology where I'll probably write another letter to Neal...

If he gets the others I sent him. This is ridiculous! It's been a while since I've sent him my letters and he still hasn't gotten them.

Anyway, after class tonight, I'm going to go through my composition 2 in french and correct it and add to it if I need to. Maybe I'll do journal 2 if she's posted it yet.

Right now, I'm not caring that particularly much. Maybe it's the fact that I'll probably have trouble falling asleep tonight, as always. Maybe it's the resignation that all my life is consisting of presently is school and work. Maybe it's the fact that I've stressed myself out to the point where I don't care anymore.

Who knows. I guess it's a strange thing, how peace can come from a storm.

Love and Peace
Elle

*UPDATE*

So after science class, where we had a quiz, I was able to have an hour to myself. Since it was so nice out, I went to the arb next to the pond, found a rock to place my bag against and made it my pillow. I was fully intending to read my book, but instead ended up taking another nap before class.

Class was long. I lost heart halfway through so that means a lot of work this weekend for that class seeing as there is a test in there on Monday. I have a week so it'll be fine.

After class it started to rain, but I caught a bus so I didn't get too wet. The lightning was gorgeous though. I watched it as I drove to Family Fare to pick up milk and apples. Half of me wanted to stand outside in the weather in some park just to watch the lighting, but another, probably smarter, half said that it might be better to just hang out in the car.

It was still really pretty, watching that florescent purple light up the sky around bright, white, gashes.

Then I got home and rearranged my room.

I probably have to clean up a lot in order to get the feel I want, but I sort of like it. Now all I need are Adventure Time DVDs and to set my ps2 up and I'll be set for the weekends.

Morning Time

I'm feeling rather hopeful, as I usually do at the beginning of a new day. Sometimes I feel like I take the journey of Ra. I get up in the morning, shine bright, and then as I cross the horizon into the night, I have to fight a bunch of demons to emerge victorious again.

And somehow, comparing myself to an Egyptian god makes me feel a little bit better.

Today should be pretty low key. Started off my morning right by sleeping in, which was well deserved after my almost full day of working yesterday and sort of rocky night. I realized Neal was on, so I got to talk to him.

Now all that's left is breakfast, homework with Allison, and then work again at four... Sometimes, I wonder why I ever where anything else besides my work uniform. I'm going to have to wear yoga pants until I can find a suitable pair of black pants. Apparently, after a semester in black jeans, I'm not allowed to wear them anymore.

I think, though, the reason that I was told off about this was because the student manager who told me was new. It has been the second time I was told something nit-picky was out of place and it was, both times, by new student managers. I think this is because they want to show that they know what they're doing in a completely new job type and trying to establish their dominance over the gray-shirted commoners. They'll probably calm down in a few weeks when they get into the swing of things.

Even so, I probably should find a pair of black slacks from some brand like Dickies or something. Nothing too expensive because I don't think those black aprons they make us wear, are entirely whipped cream proof.

I guess in all reality, I shouldn't have been working last night. I was way too tired and though it ended in many hilarious instances (ie, knocking a blender slightly off its rotating blades to make the whole back room sound like it was in a saw facility and having the social worker come back to turn off the blender as me and the student manager stared at it to see what it was doing), when I got home I was exhausted to the point of being done with life.

Oh well. I need the money. I know I'll continue to work like this without rest until I'm tucked safely in Neal's arms in Japan. Then I'll sleep all I want.

In other news, I'm probably one of the world's most boring people. It really is true that when you get in college and you choose good grades and sleep over social life, you really don't have a social life. I mean, I work, I study, and when I'm not doing either, I don't want to do anything but read a good book or watch Adventure Time which has easily become my most favorite show. I'm really bummed that I have to miss the new episodes coming out on Mondays due to class. Actually, I also have to miss the new episodes of glee coming out on Thursdays due to class too.

Maybe when I get home, I'll just find them on the tv thing and marathon all of them.

Alright lovelies! I'm off to start my day!

Love and Peace
Elle

Looking Up

Today I worked for four and a half hours, then for another hour and a half. Now I'm home until 7:30. At that time I'll pick myself off the seating apparatus I've been resting on, put back on my work uniform and then stand in front of a register until 12:30 tomorrow morning. 

It's a good thing that I don't mind what I'm doing or that I have a goal I'm working towards. 

However, between work and school and OWMC, I don't have much of a social life. In fact, I'm becoming rather boring and ornery. Though I do keep having interesting dreams. Last night I had a Harry Potter themed dream that was pretty rad. But now I'm going off topic. 

The title is called "Looking Up" for a reason. That reason being, I feel as if I've hit the very most bottom that I feel right now. Between missing Neal, stressing out over school, worrying about being able to go to Japan, and making sure I do a good job at work I've fallen into a sort of... I'm not sure what to call it. Depression is too much of what I'm feeling. I just feel low.

Like I can pick myself up when I have to go out and be with people, but when it's time for bed or when I'm by myself, holding myself together gets harder and harder. However, there's a bright side to this. I don't think that I can sink any lower. I don't know if things will get any easier, but I know I can get used to this and then use it to bounce back from. 

Until I'm strong enough to do that, I'll just bide my time from the bottom of this chasm and feel the light on my face. Sun or star. Then, when I can, I'll fly. 

Elle 

Drive

I got lost today. Went all the way to Hudsonville.

Today, I was reminded of why I want to live in the country so much. Driving down open roads with the windows down with the clear blue sky above me.

I drove by houses and landscapes that were almost exactly what I wanted to live in when I get my own place. Like, the small houses, pushed back from the road with a little barn and horses behind them.

It was gorgeous and I could just see myself living out in someplace like that.

I can't wait!

A New Day

I'm feeling a mixture of things this friday. 

Yesterday, I got to talk to my old friend C. She's doing really well in her fancy art school and apartment. I really miss that girl, but we'll be getting together soon. She's one of those friends who is really worth it. 

She has also found kittens and has been taking care of them, but they need a home before winter hits. If you're interested or know anyone who's interested, let me know! 

So that makes me happy. 

A small part of me is jealous. Neal facebooked me this morning, well his night, but this morning for me and he was smashed out of his mind. It was actually amusing to read and I could related when he talked about his venture with the white russian. He fell into the trap of them. Because they taste so good, you don't think that there's alcohol in them!

Well, the result of his endeavors was a very long, choppy message with many misspellings. Quite an amusing thing to return to when I came back from my shower. 

Unfortunately, because I'm prone to reading into things too much, jumping to conclusions, and overall being run by my emotions, one line bothered me in his rant. He told me that he thinks other girls were hitting on him, but not to worry because he loves me. 

I'm really glad he loves me, but girls are real bitches and sort of sneaky when it comes to getting men that they want. I just don't want him to fall into their trap and fall out of love with me. 

That sounded really selfish, but I guess I'm a little selfish too.

Anyway, today is looking to be a quiet but nice day. I'll be mailing my letter, doing schoolwork, working out, and then doing more school work before retiring early for work tomorrow. 

So I guess it's a little busy. That's my new motto though, keep busy. And strangely everything I do seems to be for Neal. If I keep my grades up, my step-dad will be more inclined to help me get to Japan this December. If I pick up more shifts at work, I'll have more money for a hotel in Japan. I need to get to Japan to see Neal. 

Now I've made myself a bit sad. See what I mean? If I keep myself busy and concentrated on the tasks of the day, I don't think about the fact that Neal and I are so far apart. 

Unfortunately, keeping busy doesn't really allow me to spend time with my friends. It's not like I've heard from them *coughamandawhoneedstosendmeherschedulesoIcanhearabouthernewboyfriendcough* which is fine because I know they're busy too. 

I'll probably have really good grades this year though. With my only socializing being the people I'll never see again at work as I check them out, and Olde Worlde Music Club, the only thing left to do is study and read, and stay up late to talk to Neal, and work out. 

Also, since I don't have a meal plan, eating on campus is a no-go this year, which means meeting up with people on-campus is going to be a little difficult. I should probably just start packing lunches or dinners if I want to do that....

Oh. Look at that idea right there!!

However, meeting up probably is going to be a rare thing. Or maybe not. We'll just have to see what happens over the year.

Another thing that irks me is that I really need to go horseback riding. Every time I drive by that red barn on Lake MI and see those girls out there on their horses, I get this ache in my heart. I miss it a lot.

I think that's another reason that I have been so snappish with some of my friends. There's little bits of me that are hurting and to try to ease the pain I lash out, which doesn't really help at all. I'm working on getting that under control though. I don't want to hurt other people just because of what's going on inside.

This year is going to be a really hard one. Neal's gone, I really haven't been able to be horseback, schoolwork has gotten harder (as it always does), Midnight is old, and I have no idea how my plans for December are going to work out. 

Hopefully next year will be a lot better. I'm just going to have to put on my brave face and take on the year with both hands and figure out how to reconcile all these whirling emotions inside my chest. 

How do I do that though? God seems oddly silent, or maybe I'm just not listening well enough.  Or maybe I'm not listening because He'll tell me something I'm not going to like, like Neal isn't that "one" for me. 

And readers, I want him to be so bad. 

One thing I think that scares me about the distance is that I'll get bored of our relationship without him constantly there to remind me of it and leave. 

That would be one of the stupidest things I'll ever have done ever. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know how I'd take it if God took him away from me. If that makes sense? 

So I'm scared to put my heart in God's hands. He might break it for the cause of "education" or whatever. But doesn't the fact that I'm willing to work on this relationship, and Neal seems to be willing too count for something? 

I guess the other emotions I've spelled out are fear, sadness, and loneliness?

So there's more negative emotions than positive right now, but hopefully the tables will turn a little bit in the coming days. I'm not counting on that too much though, I'm sort of getting used to feeling like... however I'm feeling. 

Not a good thing, but still, it makes life a little more bearable. 

I need to finish cleaning my room and mail my letter. 

Love and Peace!
Elle

Feeling Better and Dreams

I still feel tetchy and irritable, but instead of feeling victimized by the world, I feel good enough to start fighting back.

I also want to post about the dreams I had last night. They were a lot about civil rights actually.

It was in the 60's in the middle of a rally, and I was an african american guy who got caught in an angry mob. I think I woke up as I was getting the shit kicked out of me.

Then, I was a native american cowgirl living in the old west. I had friends who were african american and we worked on this small... not farm but it sort of was, in the bottom of the canyon. I remember a bit of a conversation between me and one of my friends who had started to give up and just accept that people were always going to treat him badly because of the color of his skin.

He left the area and then something happened, but I don't remember exactly what it was. Anyways, one of my friends, a white cowgirl, ran to me and woke me up in a hurry. She explained that a mob was on its way to get me for interrogations about what happened. When I expressed that it couldn't be that bad because I was american, she looked at me seriously and said "But you're native american too." And I had darker skin and hair.

In the distance shouts were heard and you could see torches. I jumped out of bed and dressed so fast my shirt was put on backwards and ignored. I quickly tacked up my horse, a black fresian looking one, and made plans to meet up with my friend before riding hard out of the canyon.

Then I woke up.

Interesting.

The rest of the day doesn't really compare to that. I have a bit of time where I'll shave my legs and then I have class until 9. I think my dad is coming up tonight too with cake, so it'll be nice to see him.

Love and Peace
Elle

Simplicity

You know when you feel awful, and you want to tell the world, but you don't because you're afraid they'll judge you or not care?

PMS Post

My roommate T is pmsing and whenever she does, she becomes really mean. This year, I'm not going to be scared of her or take her shit.

G had to separate us because I pointed out that T had an attitude in a tone that was more or less asking for a fight.

So I gathered my shit and went upstairs to work on my homework.

To May, I'm sorry I've been a bit harsh at you. I guess I've always come over at bad times. I love you tons.

I can't wait until I'm done feeling angry all the time. Then innocent people like Neal and May won't have to suffer the wrath of my overreacting and sharp tongue.

....

I better get this homework done.

Love and Peace
Elle

Tipsy

Some days, like today, I think I can work this relationship out. Like Neal and I have it all covered and we'll be fine.

But there's always a little bit of doubt in my mind. I mean, a lot of things that Linda has said have come true, but I'm not so sure about the relationship bit. Particularly because she has such strong feelings on how people should conduct their dating and relationship experiences.

But right now, I have really positive feelings about this.

I think God has answered my prayers about him. And while things might be difficult, .ie this long distance stuff, we'll be able to work through it. All of it.

And that makes me happy. Really happy. I've finally found him. :)

I'm off to finish Spartacus and then bed.

Love and Peace
Elle

Heels

I like to wear heels. They make my butt and legs look really good, and I feel really good in them.

However, I draw a lot of attention to myself as I walk across the cement on campus or down the hallways in the school buildings.

At least I look good so I'm not embarrassing myself when eyes are on me. Though I think I look a bit mean.

On another unrelated note. I really think Neal and I can do this. I think we can do this for the long run, even past Japan and whatever life can throw at us.

I have a lot to do this weekend though including notes and homework for Psych, Ed 315 and 337, and also Science. I might as well throw french in there as well. Good thing there's a library at home.

I'm off to get ready for my final class of the week!

Love and Peace
Elle

Slow Day at Work means a Play Day at Work

So, today started off like any normal day. I woke up, showered, made tea, got dressed, made breakfast, and went on my merry way to work.

Of course, since it's labor day weekend, work was almost dead and I had signed up to take care of the pizza area. The only thing is, Pizza is the easiest of all the areas because you sit around and do nothing but put out pizza and breadsticks when they get low.

So a lot of the time I went and hung out with the ladies who were working grill or pretend I was in a gun fight with the student manager working the cash register. My finger gun did nothing against the laser of the check out scanner though.

Anyway. One interesting thought occurred to me as I was absently watching the pizza. But let me give you some background information.

There are six slices of each pizza and two people had taken one from opposite ends so the remaining slices looked like a bow tie...

Back on track, I decided that if one were to put a breadstick in between the wings, it would look like a butterfly. Unfortunately, the social worker who ran pizza was sort of a stickler and wouldn't have liked it if I had created the Pizza Butterfly...

One day I'll do it though.

THEN! As we're all standing around doing nothing, the Cash Student Manager wandered over and after I asked about how he got a bruise on his elbow, I was regaled with many stories of injuries and wall damages due to drunken sexcapades that he has no memory of.

That conversation got awkward fast.

After SM left to go do some more student managing, I hung out with the people at pizza for a bit and was told that I was a pretty chill person.

Which is strange to me because I'm pretty uptight I think. Maybe that's just when I'm stressed out.

Anyways, because nothing was going on, SM told me to go help out at Grill. Which was great because Vron was working grill that day!  It was nice to fall back into the routine that I had with her. Even though I'm glad I'm not working at grill, I know that's someplace I can go back to if people need help or shifts.

Unfortunately, though, SM didn't tell my social worker that he put me on grill, so she chewed him out and then put me back in boring Pizza.

5 minutes of standing around and I was told to go home because there was no reason for my being there! That was a good and a bad thing. Good because I got to come home, go to the bank, and then when I'm done fooling around on the interwebs, I will end up doing some homework.

Oh! I forgot, I've been having really weird dreams lately. The weirdest by far was being Ciel Phantomhive's paid sex friend. That was an interesting one.

Another one was that Neal had come home for a mere 24 hours.

Welp! I'm off!

Love and Peace
Elle

Firsts!

Today is the fist day that I've actually wanted to work more. Not because work was fun, it was rather slow and boring actually, but because I need the money and work isn't unbearable like it was when I was working grill.

I picked up another shift for tomorrow.

Actually I'm going to be working a lot tomorrow. First at work and then on homework. However, I'll end up catching everything up for my classes and maybe getting a little ahead.

Then today is also the first day that Surprise has visited my house! It was so nice to see her and hang out with her and Cute also missed her. So it was a really nice time.

Finally, I bought my first bottle of wine today. It was chocolate wine and it's perfect because the bottle is dark so it's hard to see what's inside. That means I can put a lot of stuff for Neal's gifts inside of it.

Hooray!!

Well I'm off to do my dishes and pour another glass of wine!

Love and Peace
Elle

21 Birthday.

Started with a BANG and is now going smoothly and quietly.

Last night, I hung out with May and a big group of people.

Around four, I met up with May and went out to dinner with her parents and brother and fiance. It was really nice to sit and just hang out with them. I was surprised at how much her father was like our friend Kaiser. Just their general dispositions were similar.

Anyway, after we left the bar, May, Fiance, and I went back to May's apartment and we hung out for a long time. Rick came over and we had a dance party while him and May pre-gamed. Alla came over too and we were able to chit chat for a little bit before heading out to the bar.

Mojo's was a bit crowded so our group that went before us went to Stella's instead. Unfortunately, we got there about a half hour too early for me. So we hung out with the bouncer for a half hour. He was really funny and even encouraged other guys to hit on me, May, and Alla.

Alla is so witty though so naturally she attracted all the guys. It was good fun watching her one up them.

OH! I forgot to add, I saw some guy's junk on the way to the bar. He was skateboarding and he fell. And these guys were walking up the sidewalk and sort of laughed at him as he fell and then as he was getting up he lifted up his kilt.

I definitely got a profile of his penis and balls.

Strangely enough it made me feel really uncomfortable.

Anyway, we were FINALLY able to get in the bar and I discovered how much of a lightweight I really am. I got halfway through a white russian before I started feeling "good" and then finished that. The next I had was a 3 wisemen and that finished me off.

I hope wasn't too obnoxious to those watching me.

Anyway, Alla drove me home and I was able to skype with Neal for a good hour before dragging my sorry butt to bed.

After three or so hours of sleep, I woke up and went to work at 7:30 am.

Work was really chill today and someone bought me a snickers bar for my birthday! I learned how to make more drinks and I think I'm starting to finally get the hang of this. I do have work again tonight at 9:00 to 12:30. It's late night, so all it will be is scanning cards and/or running back and forth between register and window with food and food orders.

And money is money. The more I earn, the more I have in Japan. That means a nicer hotel room and meals not entirely made of fish. And of course a lot of time with Neal.

In between now and 9:00, I'm going to just chill out. For example, I'm watching America's Next Top Model. I love this show, but I keep missing the live updates. So I'm taking this time to just do stuff I enjoy. I'll probably going to make more tea and then straighten up my room before a shower and a nap.

Should be a pretty nice birthday. It'd be nicer if Neal were here, but oh well. I'm glad he's enjoying himself in Japan.

I'm off to finish the rest of my day.

Love and Peace
Elle

Work and Other Thoughts

So, last night, I picked up another work shift for this weekend. The plus side: More money for Japan. The downside: It's another shift on my birthday. So now I'll be working from 7:30 am to 12:00pm, but then from 9:30pm to about 12:30 am.

Then on sunday I'll be working from 4pm-8pm.

I figured a status about working a lot on my birthday wasn't appropriate for facebook. :P

Anyways, today was fairly interesting as far as a normal day goes. I woke up, showered as usual, tried to pick out clothes that matched and looked good together before heading to class.

Waking up at 9 after going to bed around 1am wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was actually able to go dick around on the internet for a little while and check facebook to see if Neal had updated at all.

In case you were wondering, he landed safely in LA and is probably on his flight to Japan right now.

Anyways, I ended up dressing up in an outfit that would be perfect for a very warm Valentine's Day. All red, white, and pink.

I think I ruined the ensemble with black tennis shoes but whatever.

After getting dressed, Tara gave me a card and my birthday present (she is leaving for the weekend and therefore will miss my birthday): a shot glass that she had painted herself! It was so sweet of her that I got all warm and fuzzy.

It wasn't the first time today that I felt blessed in my friends.

So I look at the time and see it's 10:30! Oh man! I'll be late!

I rush and put my shoes on and then skip out the door only to watch as the bus drives away from the bus stop. Shrugging off that misfortune, I realize I now have enough time to french braid my hair, which I do and end up making the next bus with no problems.

Read Harry Potter as the bus rolled around to school and then ran to my classroom where I proceeded to sit for the next 10 minutes.

When the clock struck 11, I glanced around and felt confused. Where was my class?

You might be asking why I ask that particular question.

Well curious reader, I asked it because no one was in my classroom. No one was in my classroom when class was supposed to start.

I looked around the room, and stared at the door in a fashion that, to an outsider, probably looked very confused and bewildered.

I looked in my planner to see if the professor had decided to move the class to a different room.

I looked in my syllabus for a calendar of some sorts.

None of these things gave me the answer I required.

So I packed up my things, stowed my book, and headed out of the room hoping the crowd in the hallway had dispersed into the various surrounding classrooms.

Luckily for me, it did so I didn't have to feel a gazillion eyes on me as I left the empty room.

As I wandered down the hallway, I caught a glimpse of a student in my class peacefully reading a book at one of those tall coffee tables. So I wandered over to him.

"Hey." I said. He looked up at me.

"Hey."

"Uh... so, do we have class today?"

"Yeah...?"

"Oh. Is it in the same place? There's no one in the classroom..."

He looked over my shoulder at the clock on the wall.

"Probably because it's only 11."

I blinked at him dumbfounded for a moment before turning to look at the clock on the well. Indeed it was 11.

Then it hit me like a tidal wave washing over me. I could almost feel this understanding wash over me, starting in my head and then going over my body from there. Class started at 11:30.

"Oh." I responded smartly. He laughed and I sat with him, making small talk while I pulled out Harry Potter.

I was able to get to class on time  which was nice, but had to step out for a moment half way in due to a contact deciding that my eye wasn't worth living in and bailing.

We had a small chat in the bathroom in which I ran the thing under a faucet and stuck it back in my eye.

Class went by uneventfully after that, BUT I did get a text from Blue saying that she was about to take the bus over to my place.

Fear hit me! I had no food to give her and she was coming over for lunch! I thought that she was coming on Friday, but once again, I was mistaken.

Thankfully I was able to get home before she got here and had hot water boiling and ready to be served. I even got to break out my tea set for the first time this school year!

It was really nice to talk to Blue, especially since I haven't seen her in like, forever. Our lunch date of baked potatoes and yogurt ended way too soon.

Now I'm writing to you fine people.

Tonight should keep the ball rolling. I have class from 6-9 to learn about the education system and how to affect students culturally, I think, and then Olde Worlde Music Club. I'm always going to be late to that meeting, but that's fine. I can just bring my drum to class and then bang away afterwards.

I think the reason I've been a little mixed up today is probably a combination of my lack of sleep and then getting back into the swing of things. I think I'm going to be a lot busier than I realize as soon as things start to pick up. Especially after Student Life Night when I find about more about the Archery club and we get some more new people in OWMC.

After working this weekend, next weekend will be a treat. I'll be heading home on friday to pick up contacts, my big kids license, pictures, a domino set, UNO cards, and maybe a board game. The games will be for tea parties that I will be throwing periodically over the semester. So those should be a good time. I'll also be making small desserts and hors d'oeuvres. Should be a good time, even if they're small. I'm only going to be inviting 3 people at a time so the cups can be used and no one is stuck with a mug.

Anyway, I feeling hopeful today and not as fragile as I have been feeling in the past few days. I still think about Neal a lot, but it's getting easier being away from him.  I hope things go all right for him in Japan.

Speaking of Neal in Japan, I'm thinking of making a cutesy stop-motion movie to send to him via USB in a care package. I also am going to send him a message in a bottle along with the USB and a bunch of thingies of ramen noodles (beef flavored because, I've heard, that beef is really expensive there). If you have any other ideas of things to send to him, please let me know.

Alright, I'm going to change out of this skirt probably, maybe clean my room, and contemplate getting a tumbler from Teavana specially made for tea so I can take it to my 6-9 classes and other out of house places. Then I'm off to print out packets of music before class.

Love and Peace
Elle