Singing

I hate not being able to sing. I wish that I could just belt it out and warm my voice up.

Only 11 days left 'til I come home.

Slightly Depressing

Where are all these feelings coming from?

I feel like I'm just not good at anything that I'm doing. Like I haven't been able to sing for a while so all that is sort of sucking, and I can't play an instrument well, and my writing... don't even get me started on that. I haven't been able to ride horses, or keep up with an instrument because I'm so undisciplined.

I can't even speak french well.

So where is my worth or value. What interesting things can I bring to the table when I have lost my voice?

12 Days Remaining.

I'm ready to come home.

Life in France has been wonderful! I love it here. But it's not home with those that I love.

I'm sort of lonely because my host family has left to visit the grandparents. I get the house to myself to watch Spartacus all day and talk to people, face to face, on skype. It's wonderful but, after how busy and lively the house has been, sort of lonely.

Also, my mom is arriving on Monday, which is great, but we're not the best of friends. So I'm not sure how that will go down.

Something else that has been bothering me is that when I try and tease Neal with dirty words and such, I just get generic (paraphrased here) "That's nice," answers. Which makes me feel like he doesn't think I'm sexy any more or something. I'll talk to him about it when I talk to him later, but it's sort of a downer right now when I can't do anything about it.

Also, in regards to Neal, I find myself worrying over our relationship like a dog with a bone. I wonder if it'll be like this when he goes to Japan.

I'm just worried all the time and I'm sick of it.

UPDATE: Neal and I talked and everything's cool. Now I'm back to missing him like crazy.

Final Night in Nice Thoughts

Wow.

What a long and interesting journey this has been. As much as I didn't like staying in the city Nice and going to class all day, I sort of grew attached to my host family. Now tomorrow, I have to leave them.

It's not like I don't want to come home or anything. It's just that good byes are always really hard for me. Harder than I imagine them to be. Yet here I am, having to make some more.

Paris, I think, will change my mood considerably. Though I still hate being confined in a city, Paris just has a different feel to it. Besides, after Paris, my mom will be here and life wont be so lonely.

This trip has made me stronger as a person and I'm so thankful that I came here. No matter how much it made me cry and hurt my heart, it was a part of the growing experience.

I just wish it didn't have to be so painful.

Love and Peace
Elie

Message to the Beau

This was a message to my boyfriend that I sent today, describing my adventure up Castle Hill. I impressed myself with the imagery, so I'm going to share it all with you.

*~*~

I wasn't going to write you today, but I had an adventure and I wish you were there with me. So I'm going to tell you about it. 

At the back of the old village there is this hill called "Castle Hill." It's covered with trees and foliage and the only ways up are steep inclines. Luckily for me, there are these stairs right behind one of my favorite places to grab a drink which coincidentally is an Irish pub named "The Snug." It has a great and relaxed atmosphere and once where you can just hang out and do nothing while sipping on a beer or a hot tea. 

Anyway, I passed the Snug and climbed up about 20 steps and a slowly inclining road to come to this wall covered with vines. Peaking over the wall were towering stone crosses and obelisks carved to look like cloth was draped over their tops. I had to check this place out.

Turns out, there's this huge graveyard up there. And when I say huge, I mean there were four different levels and I had to pee by the time I was done exploring it. 


Now, because the graveyard is french, the graves were all above ground and the granite boxes that held the people were decorated with elaborate monuments: Greek pillars, overhangs that look like chapels, women staring at these tombs with a melancholy air, or concrete angels watching the area with a wary gaze decorated this area. And it wasn't just one or two. No. This whole cemetery was full of them. All in white limestone or black granite too. 

It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Like I said, I had to pee, so I went to the Snug for a bathroom break and a beer before climbing the mountain, or Castle Hill, again.

This time I passed the cemetery, passed the place where we watched fireworks for the 14th of July, and made my way to the top. 

It was so breathtaking Nick. 

The city was sprawled out in front of me like some rust colored skirt, the snaking roads looking like sand colored pleats in the fabric. 

Then there was the sea.


Close to shore, where people looked like bright colored stones, the water was a crystalline blue. Purer and brighter than the sky. Then farther out, almost as if a line had been drawn where the land fell away into darkness, the water turned a rich navy. Waves rolled peacefully by, jostling boats and swimmers alike before crashing to shore. The sun scattered gold dust over everything, so it looked like the water was threaded with diamonds that winked and waved as it moved. 

Cool breeze rustled my hair and danced over my face as I looked out. I have to admit, my heart ached. I wanted and want so much to share all this with you. 

After admiring the view, I found a nice, shady bench and read a bit more of Harry Potter before making my way back down the "hill." 

On the way down, there were also some nice waterfalls that sprayed a fine mist over its onlookers while rainbows danced over the rocks and played in the spray. After the work out of climbing up this hill, the cold water was a welcome relief. 

Now, scattered all over the hill were couples. Couples resting together, embracing, kissing in the shade, and doing couple-y things made me feel warm on the inside, and a little sad. 


I think that place is the most I've felt at peace here in Nice, and one of the places that make me realize how much I want you here with me.


I can't wait to see you. I love you!!

Looking Up

I'm feeling a lot better about this France thing. I'm getting a lot more comfortable in the city, although I still feel a little trapped and have this urge to read Harry Potter.

But, I'm gaining a lot more independence. Walking home at night isn't the heart pounding thriller it used to be. Class is a lot more fun when I'm engaged and time is going along pretty fast. My host mom is a lot more warm now that I've actually started to talk to her and I'm starting to be able to sleep better.

Today, the 14th of July, Bastille Day, I went out after waking up super late and bought a bunch of things at the sales. I got myself a jacket, a cute dress, and a couple of strapless bras. I think I want to get a zip-up hoodie to go under the jacket, because it's sort of light and thin, but layers would also look great with it. In fact, I might just wear it out tonight.

Sans layers... I don't have those yet.

One thing I'm bummed about being here though, is that I'm missing all the weddings back home! I LOVE weddings, and this weekend there are two that I can't make due to a small something called the Atlantic Ocean.

I mean, couldn't these people wait until I get back to get married?!

In other news, my mother will by flying out to France on the 30th so I don't have to worry about being alone in a strange country. Everyone is asking me what we're going to do, but I honestly don't know. My mom is going to make a plan and then we'll follow that. Don't think that I didn't think about making a plan, it's just she usually takes over, regardless of anything.

Anyway, I've come to peace with coming back on the 9th, and Nick and I have already planned out a great date for that evening.

So far, everything is going well. We'll see how I'm feeling when we get closer to school and Nick's departure for Japan.

But for now, Love and Peace
Elle

Some differences

Since I've come to France, all of my blogger page is in french. Which is really cool.

Things have been really busy so I haven't been writing here a lot. That and my host mother doesn't like it when I do things in english claiming that it is bad for my french.

Which is true, but that doesn't stop me from chatting on skype in English with friends and family.

One thing that I've learned how to do really well during my time in Nice, is wear a street face. Mine used to be something angry and "Whatever you think you are, I'm worse," sort of face. Now it's sort of a "I've walked these streets so often my footprints are practically worn in the cement. So you're not gonna fuck with me, because I know your tricks and they aren't going to work," sort of face. Or at least that's what goes on in my head as I walk home at midnight in this foreign city.

I've also learned that people have layers. Lots of layers. And that they're a lot more complicated than they first let on. Some of the people that I thought that I would never in a trillion years get along with, are the people I'm hanging out with the most.

I'm really grateful for this experience. I really am.

 But let me tell you.

There is no place like home. . . or public bathrooms that you don't have to pay to use. Or benches. Or drinking fountains.

Love and Peace
Elle