Not exactly happy...

I'm not exactly happy right now. Part of me feels like the boyfriend doesn't want to put in the work for this relationship. But he doesn't understand when I tell him that because he wants me to tell him specific things to do and I can't. So we're at an impasse there.

Besides, if I tell him what I want him to do, he's going to do that. But then, will he be doing that because he knows it makes me happy and he wants to do it because it makes me happy, or will he be doing it just to placate me? 

I think that's why the letter writing thing bothered me so much. He clearly doesn't like to do it, and now I feel like, whenever he writes me, he's just doing it to pacify me. Not because he wants to make me happy. 

Now, I don't even want to do this letter thing anymore. Not when there isn't anything behind it.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really miss me. I mean, he probably does, but he never tells me, or does anything to show me that. How else am I supposed to know how he's feeling if he doesn't tell me? He can't touch me, which is what I'd prefer, but since we can't do that and since I'm not getting any affirmations from him, I'm feeling a bit lost and lonely. I feel like I'm putting a lot more emotion and heart into this than he is. Or that he doesn't care as much as I do about us.

Maybe I'm nit-picking because of the distance. Part of me feels like he's getting sick of my insecure shit. But, I feel like I'm left in the dark about how he feels about me and how he feels about being separate. I feel like I'm alone in missing him, and because of that, I feel a bit foolish for missing him as much as I do. Why should I miss him as much as I do, when, I feel, as if I've just become a passing thought in his mind. Something he easily pushes away and doesn't care about. 

I'm afraid that if I leave off, or repress my feelings for him so I can live without this constant reminder of him, I'm going fall out of love. That would suck for everyone. 

Also, I have a lot of reservations about going to see him this winter. I mean, what if he's not the person I've been missing all this time. Or vice versa. What if this is just an exercise of frustration? I'm also nervous about going to Comiket. I mean, I'm so completely not in the anime world. Part of me is afraid he'll see just how out of place I am and not like that at all. Or, as he's wrapped in his "promised land," I'll just be shunted to the wayside. 

Maybe I'm over thinking this too much. 

Hopefully, these thoughts will be pushed aside as school picks up for finals or what not. Or better yet, resolved. For the latter, I have to think of exactly what I want to say and how to spell it out so  I don't just give my bad mood to him. Lord knows he has a lot more than I do to deal with. 

Love and Peace,

Elie