I discovered something about myself.
I snowball shit when I'm left alone to think about it. And it's not like "Oh it's raining. I guess I'll figure out stuff to do inside."
No. It's like a progress:
Hour 1: "Oh it's raining that's great." Heavily implied sarcasm
Hour 2: "It's still raining and the sky is dark. I wonder if it will let up any time soon. I miss the sun." Slight feeling of depression, nothing a cup of tea can't fix
Hour 3: Here is where if all goes downhill: "It's fucking raining outside. How the hell am I going to go do what I need to do if it's raining? I'll get wet, it won't even be worth going outside because everything I wear will be ruined. My hair, my make up, my clothes will be wet, I'll get rain in my eyes, and the bottoms of my pants are all wet."
Hour 4: Mug of tea doesn't work. Depression has kicked in and I'm laying in the middle of the floor hating life and everything to do with water, then hating myself for feeling that way.
It just gets worse and worse after that. And obviously, rain was just an example, but I think it does my point justice.
Anyways, it's even worse if I don't have anyone to cuddle with. Physical touch always cheers me up/makes me feel connected and slightly better. Don't know why, but it really works.
Dude, when left alone with something bothering me, give me enough time and I'm more emo than Cloud at the beginning of Advent Children. I swear, you can almost see the colors of my clothes and hair fading to black and straightening themselves. If left with enough time, I bet my eyes would be able to generate copious amounts of dark eyeliner. Then sad music plays in the background over the sound of rain falling.
It gets that bad.
The worst part is, I do it all to myself. It's all in my head.
However, now that I know this about myself, I know exactly what I need to manage to help minimize damage in my relationships. I know this is a part of me that I'll never be able to stomp out.
Hell, I'm one of the most high-strung, over thinking people I know. It's part of what helps me see details really well and make accurate judgements. However, it's detrimental when I'm left up to my own devices with a little bit of information and a free rein.
But it's good that I know this about myself. I know what I need to work on.
Another thing that I've learned, or that has been more imprinted in my mind, is my need to touch and be touched. Especially when dealing with difficult things or having serious conversations. It makes me feel more connected to the person I'm talking with and it helps calm me down or hype me up. I use the other person as a rock for my emotions.
For example, I love talking to my boyfriend about serious things when we're cuddling. He's always so calm about stuff that it keeps me calm, even if part of me wants to freak. I really love that about him.
So yeah. I guess those lyrics to that song is true.
"Out of storm comes strength for tomorrow"
Out of the pain I caused myself, I found new truths. By finding new truths, I feel stronger. Or at least armed and dangerous.
A couple of other things I'd like to talk about that aren't that important. The first is pain.
I have this idea that pain is all in our heads. It's created by us. External pain and internal pain. However, I'm still trying to decide if it's a good idea to shut that off or not. Probably not, but maybe in some situations...
Secondly, and lastly, my old dog.
She's old, and skinny, and smelly. But I love her. I'm a bit worried because she's not eating a lot and she doesn't like to move around much, but she's still up and alert, so I guess I'll push my worries away for now. In this case I must live in the present.
Speaking of that, I need to update my NaNoWriMo word quota.
Love and peace
Elie
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