A New Day

I'm feeling a mixture of things this friday. 

Yesterday, I got to talk to my old friend C. She's doing really well in her fancy art school and apartment. I really miss that girl, but we'll be getting together soon. She's one of those friends who is really worth it. 

She has also found kittens and has been taking care of them, but they need a home before winter hits. If you're interested or know anyone who's interested, let me know! 

So that makes me happy. 

A small part of me is jealous. Neal facebooked me this morning, well his night, but this morning for me and he was smashed out of his mind. It was actually amusing to read and I could related when he talked about his venture with the white russian. He fell into the trap of them. Because they taste so good, you don't think that there's alcohol in them!

Well, the result of his endeavors was a very long, choppy message with many misspellings. Quite an amusing thing to return to when I came back from my shower. 

Unfortunately, because I'm prone to reading into things too much, jumping to conclusions, and overall being run by my emotions, one line bothered me in his rant. He told me that he thinks other girls were hitting on him, but not to worry because he loves me. 

I'm really glad he loves me, but girls are real bitches and sort of sneaky when it comes to getting men that they want. I just don't want him to fall into their trap and fall out of love with me. 

That sounded really selfish, but I guess I'm a little selfish too.

Anyway, today is looking to be a quiet but nice day. I'll be mailing my letter, doing schoolwork, working out, and then doing more school work before retiring early for work tomorrow. 

So I guess it's a little busy. That's my new motto though, keep busy. And strangely everything I do seems to be for Neal. If I keep my grades up, my step-dad will be more inclined to help me get to Japan this December. If I pick up more shifts at work, I'll have more money for a hotel in Japan. I need to get to Japan to see Neal. 

Now I've made myself a bit sad. See what I mean? If I keep myself busy and concentrated on the tasks of the day, I don't think about the fact that Neal and I are so far apart. 

Unfortunately, keeping busy doesn't really allow me to spend time with my friends. It's not like I've heard from them *coughamandawhoneedstosendmeherschedulesoIcanhearabouthernewboyfriendcough* which is fine because I know they're busy too. 

I'll probably have really good grades this year though. With my only socializing being the people I'll never see again at work as I check them out, and Olde Worlde Music Club, the only thing left to do is study and read, and stay up late to talk to Neal, and work out. 

Also, since I don't have a meal plan, eating on campus is a no-go this year, which means meeting up with people on-campus is going to be a little difficult. I should probably just start packing lunches or dinners if I want to do that....

Oh. Look at that idea right there!!

However, meeting up probably is going to be a rare thing. Or maybe not. We'll just have to see what happens over the year.

Another thing that irks me is that I really need to go horseback riding. Every time I drive by that red barn on Lake MI and see those girls out there on their horses, I get this ache in my heart. I miss it a lot.

I think that's another reason that I have been so snappish with some of my friends. There's little bits of me that are hurting and to try to ease the pain I lash out, which doesn't really help at all. I'm working on getting that under control though. I don't want to hurt other people just because of what's going on inside.

This year is going to be a really hard one. Neal's gone, I really haven't been able to be horseback, schoolwork has gotten harder (as it always does), Midnight is old, and I have no idea how my plans for December are going to work out. 

Hopefully next year will be a lot better. I'm just going to have to put on my brave face and take on the year with both hands and figure out how to reconcile all these whirling emotions inside my chest. 

How do I do that though? God seems oddly silent, or maybe I'm just not listening well enough.  Or maybe I'm not listening because He'll tell me something I'm not going to like, like Neal isn't that "one" for me. 

And readers, I want him to be so bad. 

One thing I think that scares me about the distance is that I'll get bored of our relationship without him constantly there to remind me of it and leave. 

That would be one of the stupidest things I'll ever have done ever. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know how I'd take it if God took him away from me. If that makes sense? 

So I'm scared to put my heart in God's hands. He might break it for the cause of "education" or whatever. But doesn't the fact that I'm willing to work on this relationship, and Neal seems to be willing too count for something? 

I guess the other emotions I've spelled out are fear, sadness, and loneliness?

So there's more negative emotions than positive right now, but hopefully the tables will turn a little bit in the coming days. I'm not counting on that too much though, I'm sort of getting used to feeling like... however I'm feeling. 

Not a good thing, but still, it makes life a little more bearable. 

I need to finish cleaning my room and mail my letter. 

Love and Peace!
Elle