Jet Plane

More negative ranting. I figure I should post a warning now so my blog doesn't look too depressing.




I just.... I'm a selfish person.

I don't want Nick to leave. I want to keep him here with me.

I'm really scared too. I'm really scared about what the future has in store for both of us and for this relationship. The more that I think about it, the more impossible it seems.

Just, even this year while he's in Japan. I'm so scared that I'm going to break up with him halfway through it because I'm not strong enough to go the distance, and then lose him permanently after I've realized what a stupid decision I made.

And then after Japan.

We'll have a year together at best and depending on where he goes to school we might not be able to spend a lot of time with each other, which, after not spending 10 months with each other... I don't know if I can do that.

Then after I graduate, where am I getting a job at? Not in Michigan. I don't want to stay in MI. But... he won't be done with his master's for another year, so that's another year we might have to be separated. And even if I do get a teaching job in MI, near him, I'd only be able to do that for a year.

But what if he gets a job in MI? Will I have to stay here?

The future is full of what-ifs and too many roads that lead to being without him. I'm terrified.

Then I keep hearing what Linda and that other guy said, or seeing the lines on the palm of my hand and Nick's.

Linda said that I wasn't going to marry him. The cards from the other guy said that we'd fall in and out of love while he was away in Japan but there would be an opportunity to get back together. And our palms both say that there are two significant relationships in the future.

I almost want to burn that side of my hand so I don't look at it. So it doesn't give me doubt.

I don't want to lose him. I don't want to make a stupid mistake and leave him and then not get him back. I wish I knew what was coming up. I wish I knew everything would be okay.

I wish I could just get a solid yes or no. Like I just want to know if it'll be worth all this effort I'm putting into the relationship. I don't want to feel like shit for this, go through this hard long distance relationship, plus extra long distance relationship, and then have it end.

That would really break my heart.

I don't know how I'm going to do this you guys. I really don't.